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10:23 PM - Tuesday, Oct. 04, 2005 I still feel that way sometimes. Like I'm wasting away... just wasting my life and not doing anything worthwhile with it. It doesn't seem to matter how many places I get to visit, how many events I take part in, or how many material goods I pile up. Nothing seems to satisfy me. The more I travel, the more I want to travel. The more places I visit, the more I feel closed up in a hole when I'm at home. It doesn't matter if the world seems to be a big globe of nothingness where everything is practically the same except for the landscape these days... The more things I do, the more I feel like I'm not doing enough. I always feel like I could be doing more. I guess I want to feel exhausted.. to feel the ache inside my body. You know, the one you get when you're all used up? I think that's what I crave. And the more I buy? Dear God... buying this stuff only makes me happy for a moment. And I think I buy a lot of it just to have something to do. It's like going to the bookstores. I spend at least $100 each time I go there, but what for? I read the book and it satisfies me for the moment.. but then the satisfaction is over with the moment the book ends and I don't have another page to turn in order to carry on the story. Ah, I don't know... I feel so restless these days. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew what I was supposed to be doing. I wish I could figure it all out or have it all mapped out for me. Maybe then I could start feeling a sense of completeness.
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