5:33 PM - Sunday, Jul. 11, 2004
It's never easy letting go.
I just finished painting my guest bathroom completely, thanks to my Mom's help. It really looks awesome, the way it turned out. I'm pretty happy with it. Yesterday my grandparents came over and visited for awhile, and then we went to Freddy's Custard. After that, we drove by some car lots. I'm debating over whether or not to buy a Mazda or a Honda. I'm in no hurry to buy a new car, though. My car only has 62k miles on it, and it still looks and runs like brand new.
Casey called last night. He did a three way phone call with another girl named Jessica. And while I told him that I didn't want to do what he wanted us both to do, the conversation, of course, was led in that direction. But instead of being able to disinterest one person whom I wouldn't mind being rude to in order to get off from doing it, I had to also worry about another person... a female person. During the process, all I could think about was how I'd be more comfortable if Cory were on the phone with us, too. I wanted desperately to call him up and get him to join in the conversation, but Casey wouldn't have it. But then, I don't blame him, I guess, considering the circumstances. I should have hung up the phone, but this is where I'm still passive personality wise. I'm trying so hard to get away from all of that, but it's really hard for me to just put my foot down towards some people and say, "look... I said no." I think I'm afraid of being a bitch to people I care about.
I've done a lot of thinking over the last couple of weeks. There's a part of me that's bitter towards David because he was able to just drop everything we had as if it never happened. I think the thing that stings me the most is that it's as if he never cared one bit. I feel as if I just wasted three to four months of my life getting emotionally involved with a man who knew the entire time that he was going to drop me like a bad habit.
There's another part of me that wishes I could do the same thing. I'm hoping that over time, I completely forget he ever existed. A part of me wishes that a friendship could still exist between the two of us, but I think the rational realistic side of my brain is telling me that kind of thinking is false hope. Plus, it wouldn't work out anyhow. Bits and pieces of me believe that a friendship could exist between the two of us, but the truth is that it couldn't. At this moment in time, I don't have anything to say to him. I don't have anything I want to share with him. I don't have anything I want to give to him. I don't want him to say, share or give anything to me in return, either. If he were to call me up today, I would tell him, "I appreciate your phone call, but I'm not ready to begin talking to you again." I'm just way too bitter towards him, and a part of me is full of a sense of hate.
I used to think he was the one, but I know better now. Had he been the one, he wouldn't have hurt me like this. He wouldn't have given up so easily. He wouldn't have played me like a deck of cards.
I'm thinking I need to write him a letter. I'll do it on here. He'll never read it. He never checks this journal, but it will help me move on. I'll even print it out and tear it up. It's a release method.. one that some psychiatrist had me do once. She had me write a letter to the man who raped me, and when I was done... I read it outloud to her and then I ripped it to shreds. I'm going to see if it works in this case, too.
Dear David,
As of right now, I hate you. I hate you because you fill my thoughts during the week. The memories may come from a song, a television show, an old movie, or even some random comment about Colorado, skiing, or the ocean. I hate that you don't check my journal like my other friends do. I hate you because you fill my thoughts, and while you fill mine I know I don't fill yours.
I hate you because you were nice to me. I feel as if you made me dream about a future that you knew would never exist for us. I feel as if you filled my mind with hope that something better was to come, and that you would be there to take care of me as a friend, a lover, and a confidant. I hate you because you shared yourself completely with me as if we were the real thing and nothing could hold us back from becoming more.
I hate you because you used terms of endearment when referring to me. I hate you because you respected my thoughts and opinions, and never made our relationship revolve around sex. I hate you because you were my friend first and my lover second. I hate you for proving to me that good guys do exist and that I'm worthy of a good guy. But what I hate most of all about this is that because of you treating me like this... I hurt much worse than I've ever hurt in my entire life. And I hate to hurt.
I hate that I can't call you my friend. I hate that I can't watch old movies with you anymore. I hate that I can't fall asleep listening to your voice. I hate that you no longer introduce me to new music, or mentally stimulate me to think beyond my capabilities. I hate that I can't even do a crossword puzzle without wishing I could call you up when I get stumped on one.
I hate that it feels like I've lost such a good friend, and that he hates me so much that we could never be friends again. And while part of me knows you were a good thing for me, and that you were meant to be in my life to awaken me... another part of me wishes it never had happened.
I wish I could let you go. I wish I could close my eyes, open them up, and not remember a thing. I'm tired of missing you.
Jessica
