11:55 AM - Sunday, Jun. 13, 2004
Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom
Yesterday was Angie's 29th birthday. The family went to Margarita's for lunch. Afterwards, I came home and fell asleep in my reading chair. When I awoke, it was time for me to go babysit the kids so that Angie and Brian could go out for dinner. The tornado sirens kept going off last night, so the children and I spent most of the time in the basement. When that was all over and A&B returned, I came home and fell asleep.
I awoke this morning about 20 minutes ago. I don't know what's causing me to sleep so much. I'm not depressed. That I know of, anyhow. And I'm not suffering from the humidity. My house is a nice 68 degrees. I'm not bored. I have things to do, ways to keep my mind occupied. Maybe my body is catching up from lack of sleep after spending the last couple of weeks tossing and turning in bed.
Yesterday, my sister and mom went shopping at JC Penney's out at Town East. They ran into our old next door neighbor, Mary Barr. She told us that our old babysitter (her third daughter), Mindy, was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease. (I know I possibly spelled that last name wrong, here....) The doctor has told them that Mindy, who is 29 years old - the same age as Angie, only has 10 more years left to live. Only 10 years left to live! What in the hell? That means Mindy... creative and beautiful Mindy... is going to be dead by the age of 39! Right now, Mindy is working in NYC for Chanel #5. That's a dream job for some of us Kansan's who like to just dream about city jobs but never go after them like she has. But 39? I can't imagine. That's like a doctor telling me I'll be dead by the time I turn 36. Poor Mindy. Dear God, I wish there was something I could do. But what?
If somebody told me I only had ten years left to live, and during most of those ten years my body will start to fail me until my heart gives out and stops beating... I wonder what emotions I'd be going through. I wonder if I'd stop worrying about the insignificant things in life and focusing on what truly matters. You know, things like family, loved ones, friends... Like the book Tuesdays with Morrie emphasized... it's all about love and communicating that love. I could only hope that I wouldn't be angry with God and the world, angry at my failing body, and filled with hate for the fate I was given. But I'm not Mindy, and I wasn't handed that fate. I can say these things now without consequence because I still have hope that I'll be alive in 20 years and not dead in 10. Oh, damn it. Poor Mindy. :(
To accept the things I cannot change...
I know that life is full of change. We can't stop the world from being in flux. We can't stop our bodies from aging. We can't prevent the things to be, the outcomes that are in front of us. It's one of the things in life we have no control over. Whether it be destiny or fate.. or just random coincidences and consequences.. who knows? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do good things happen to the bad ones? It's something we may never know... these issues that we cannot change but must accept, instead.
To change the things I can...
I know that to love someone is not the same as to know someone. And sometimes we love someone so much that we don't really know who they are. We are blinded by our love for them. We build our own hopes and dreams around them as if to live these desires through them instead of through ourselves. We forget that they may have their own dreams, their own hopes...
To know the difference...
I know that to have hope is to open up the door for hurt. And that if you open up the door for hurt often enough, somewhere inside of you rests faith... faith that one day the things you hope for won't hurt you. And I know that when we are hurt by the things we have hoped for, we fill with pride. This pride... it disables us. We let it control us. And what good does that do? To hide from doing what is right because of our injured pride? And sometimes... this pride... well, how can it not lead to hate? And who really wants to be so full of hate that they lose sight of all the good that is in front of them?
I could ramble on forever about these things. I'd only end up repeating myself, though. I don't want to do that. Especially since, at the moment, I am content inside and out.
I have decided to become a nun. I'll be talking to a priest about it this week.
So it goes, Jess.... So it goes.
