Hello Jessica,

I am sorry if I seem critical or harsh but after having read your journal I got a little annoyed and feel I need to say something and that is that you should stop feeling sorry for yourself. For there are lots of people who are far worse off then you who do not have their own home or their own car, people who are homeless and do not know when their next meal will be. You mention you plan to volunteer for a good cuase.......don't plan on doing JUST do it! Actions speak louder then words.

I know I should stop feeling sorry for myself. I know there are people out there who have it worse off than I do. I know all of this. And I feel completely raw inside from focusing on myself selfishly during the last month. As for the volunteering? It's something I know I should do, something I feel I should do... but for some reason I'm not motivated enough to help others at the moment. Which, in essence, makes me a poor excuse of a human being.

You say you want to visit Canada, Europe and Australia, I admit the last two are more long term goals due to the loacation of these two places BUT don't keep on putting it off cause before you know it you will be 64 and still have not been there. Canada however is not halfway around the world, it is within easy reach of you, you could fly there heck you could even drive there........ there is no reason why you could not visit Canada this year or next year.

Yes, I do want to visit those places. I want to travel the world! But, and this is not an excuse here, I don't want to do it by myself. I want to be in a significant relationship with someone who also wants to travel to those places, and will do so with me. Granted, I could do it all by myself if I really wanted too, but I don't. I want to go there with the man I end up in a relationship with.

You talk about how you feel lonely, you have a loving family that care for you, you have friends that care for you, but think about this: there are people who are far more lonely than you and have a right to be as they may be in a situation where they are a captive of a terrorist group or an orphan due to famine or war, in otherwords there are people who are truly lonely as they have no one who cares if they live or die.

So true. So true. And that is one of the lessons I have been given. It's taken me 26 years to learn that I can never truly be lonely when I have my friends and family, and that I need to appreciate them a hell of a lot more. I guess my problem is I'm needing intimacy in a major way, and I'm not apt to go out and get it from some stranger for one night anymore. I'm looking to settle down seriously, get married someday in the near future and start a family within the next five years. My internal clock is ticking for a settlement like I've never experienced before.

I also get the impression you're not all to fond of Kansas, my question is if you do not really like living in Kansas then why did you build a house there????

The plan was to go back to school for four years here in Wichita. After the four years were up, and a Masters was achieved, I would sell the house and move on with my life to anywhere my destiny desired to take me. The house was an investment. Instead of throwing money away by paying for rent in an apartment complex, I decided to have a mortgage that would initially give me more back in the long run. I don't want to be in Kansas for the rest of my life. I do want to experience living other places. But, I was only looking 5 years ahead and wasn't expecting to land myself into a relationship at all. But now that the relationship is over (thanks to me and my lousy hormones, hormones which have basically guarunteed the fact that this man will never possibly ever want to be in a serious relationship with me ever again in this lifetime or some other lifetime... THANK YOU, LOUSY HORMONES for destroying any chance of happiness I may have had with this man someday...), it's best I concentrate on something else rather than seeking intimacy from individuals who would much rather be "just friends."

You spend good money on seeing a shrink...why? if you talk to your close offline friends you would not need a shrink. Ya know I too was depressed, took antidepressents and just wanted to die, But I never saw a shrink all I did was talk to a close friend it worked and besides a friend knows you far better then a shrink ever would. Heck most of what that shrink told you I could have told you, it ain't hard all that is needed is to listen carefully.

Seeing a shrink wasn't an option. I was told I HAD to go see one. I didn't pay for the sessions, either. My parents did. My mother insisted I start seeing one or else. I did attempt talking to my friends about my problems, but I needed more help than just words could offer. I needed Prozac. And while it hasn't completely balanced me out, it's helped tremendously with my assertiveness. It's calmed down my paranoia tenfold. I am a mental case, my friend. And not only that, but this shrink helped me uncover things from my childhood I couldn't remember... and no friend could possibly be there to help me get through being molested and/or groomed as a child. No friend could possibly be there for me when I had to relive those moments I had blocked from my memory for not just years but decades. You may not believe in the power of pills, but sometimes words aren't enough. Sometimes people need more than an ear that will listen to them, or an advice giver. I needed more. I still need more. And I think that's why I crave intimacy so much right now. I want to be held. I want to be hugged. I want to be stroked by hands that love me. I don't want to be touched by hands that don't care about me anymore. I need to be touched. I need to know that somebody out there not only desires me but loves me purely and honestly; loves me in such a way that I know they won't harm me. And if that's so wrong, then I don't know what to say. Maybe something is terribly wrong with me deep down that needs to be fixed. And I'm only sorry that it's a selfish time I'm going through, but I can't be sorry for the desires I have.

In essence Jessica you got to stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop arse farting about, pull ya finger out and get a move on. Unlike most people you acually have the means to fullfill your dreams so do not underestimate yourself as you are far more capable then you think.

Yes, I know. And thank you for saying these words. Sometimes, all I need is a push, and this was a push in the right direction. I'm not going to be sorry for the self-pity act I went through because I think it was a reaction to the loss I experienced, but I am sorry that I handled it all in a very immature manner. I need to learn to stop allowing my emotions to control my behavior because it's never landed me anywhere but in trouble and making an ass out of myself.

I mean no offence and if I did then I am deeply sorry. but I wrote what I felt needed to be written and I stand by what I wrote.

I am very glad you wrote me and said these things to me. I wish some of my other friends were as honest and open. I hate it when people sugar coat things in a fear of hurting someone's emotions. I'd rather know the truth straight up, because it always eventually comes out anyhow... and it'll hurt a lot less the sooner you say the words. So thank you... I am keeping your e-mail on file to remind me to stop moping about.

I had to answer my front door just now. My mother dropped by. She was in a very happy bubbly mood. I hated to see her go.

Anyhow, I just read the journal of my dear friend Davy. I want him to know that he and his family are in my prayers. I hope he knows that I am here for him during this difficult time, and that he shouldn't hesitate to ask me for anything he and his family might need. Io ti amo, Silver.

What is this world coming too? It's not every day that you can turn on the television and hear reports about kidnapped men from around the world being held hostage before being decapitated; but, today, that's about what you can expect to see on CNN, MSN, or Fox News. Ever since I watched the decapitation of Nicholas Berg on video, I've felt a huge sickness residing inside of me everytime I hear about these incidents. I almost don't want to turn on my television to find out about more victims, but then I don't want to be ignorant to the hatred that is existing around me and affecting the world I live in. And, while part of it is a morbid fascination with the deleterious nature of these inhumane acts, the other part is a need to stay up to date on something I fear happening to someone I know personally. I fear that my brother is going to get hurt while he is over there in Europe travelling. I fear that one of my internet friends is going to get hurt in some way or another. But most of all, I feel empathy for the friends and family members of the victims who have been captured and tortured by these men. I especially feel a deep sorrow for the men who are the true victims in this. I could not imagine being kidnapped in a foreign land, tortured by men hiding behind masks with huge guns butting me in the skin, while being told to beg my country for my life. How can these men do this? They have to know deep down that their country is going to sacrafice their one life in order to do what it set out to do... which, I really don't know what that is come to think of it. What makes the act even more gruesome is that these men are given names. They are given locations. They are made human to us on these videotapes when they tell us who they are, where they are from, and who they are related too. No longer are they just some random human being on some videotape that could be real or fake. They are an actual living creature with fears, hopes, and dreams who just ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time. It makes me completely sick to my stomach. But, honestly... what can I do about these actions being done across seas except face the realization that these acts are taking place during my lifetime and I'm, at the moment, lucky enough to be home safe in my humble abode?

God, I need to grow the fuck up emotionally so that my maturity level matches up with my age. RIGHT NOW! ARGH!! No wonder no man wants to be with me.

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