9:26 PM - Tuesday, Jun. 29, 2004
It's over now.
I had a long day, but it wasn't necessarily a bad day. I just had this intense headache throughout most of it. I don't know what's up with me lately. Even when I wear my glasses I seem to get the headaches. And halfway through the day I feel extremely dizzy like I want to either close my eyes and go to sleep, fall over and faint, or just close my eyes and steady myself to keep from moving. So far I've been able to get through the workdays without doing any of these things.
I was thinking about Casey the other day, wondering what he was up too and how he was doing... and who would call me on the phone last night? If you guessed Casey, you guessed correct! He called me this evening, too. And he's calling back later tonight. I have to admit, I can't wait to hear from him. I've missed him.
Cory was supposed to call, but he didn't. But then, I didn't expect him too. I've gotten to the point with people where if they say they'll call, I don't plan on hearing from them for awhile. I've also gotten to the point where I'm viewing my body as a machine, and my emotions are just "robotic" reactions to the human things I can't control. I've retreated into my "made of plastic" mode. I'm going to be every man's Barbie doll. They can use and abuse my body in any way that they wish, but they'll never kill my spirit. Especially since I've become numb all over and the spirit is hiding. I'm never going to allow another human being to affect me emotionally (except for my niece.. when she is born in November, then I will add her to the very short list of people whom I will love unconditionally). I'm not dead inside. I'm just not allowing myself to be fully alive anymore. I'm sick and tired of hurting.
I'm sick and tired of death. I'm sick and tired of significant losses. I'm sick and tired of feeling emotions for people who only end up hurting me in some way or another because I allowed myself to attach to them. I'm sick and tired of being human. I'm sick and tired of being Jessica. I'm sick and tired of relationships. I'm sick and tired of it all.
I need sex. And the sad thing is, I don't even care who it's with anymore. I don't care if they use me or abuse me during the act. My body is just a machine. I'm an attractive woman with an intelligent mind. I have a pretty nice personality, but a fucked up mind. It shouldn't be difficult to A) get sex randomly from unknown men, B) turn myself completely off emotionally so I can make it through this pathetic life of mine, and C) in the end go out with a complete and total BANG.
Well, I'm tired now. Tired of writing.. and tired of thinking. Mostly I'm tired of thinking. I'm sick of thinking about people from my past and present. I know it would be detrimental to know my future before it happens, but I wish I had some sort of clue how this life is going to turn out.. because honestly, I'm at a point in my life where I either want to become totally dead inside and out, or I find that someone with whom I connect on all levels with... someone who can be not only my best friend, but my life companion. And as pathetic as it is, and how pathetic I used to think these emotionally needy women were/are, I can't seem to help desiring more from somebody on an intimate level in an emotional way. And I think.. if I can't have that ever in this lifetime, then I don't want to feel at all.
I let go of EVERYTHING in the past right now. I wipe it clean completely. All the people, all the memories, all the experiences... they won't be forgotten but from now on they are going into a locked box and I'm swallowing the key. And I want to say goodbye to all of them right here, right now. Whether I hurt you, or you hurt me... it doesn't matter anymore because everything prior to this moment ceases to exist.
And if you're reading this and you want to be part of my future... then you have to start over with me because I'm letting it all go. I can't hold onto it anymore. If I do, I know I'll end up doing something selfishly stupid someday. I fear doing it. I don't want to do it. But it's always there lingering just waiting to happen, almost choking me... And one day, I'm afraid it will happen. That completely scares the shit out of me. I don't expect you to understand that, but if it ever does happen... don't think ill of me. Don't be mad at me, either. It's just bound to happen during one of my worst emotional moments. And while I know these always hit me when I'm feeling my loneliest, I know I can't depend on anyone to be happy... and I know I'll never be happy unless I know somebody cares.
