1:33 PM - Monday, Jun. 07, 2004
Sleepless Nights
Things are slowly improving at work. The atmosphere is definitely a lot more pleasant these days. I'm still looking for a new job. I just need to find one that pays as well as this one. I've gone and made a list of my skills. So far I have these:
1. Type over 100 WPM with no mistakes.
2. Can answer phones, etc.
3. Very organized, and can take a complete mess and organize it within hours.
4. Creative - can come up with new ideas quickly.
5. A people person.
I guess I could come up with more, but I'm really tired right now. I don't even know why I'm so tired. It's not like I've been kept up all night these past few weeks.
Last night I did toss and turn a lot. I even had strange dreams where I was talking to two people I haven't spoken to in awhile. The conversations were lifelike, and I could hear their voices clearly. It didn't seem dream-like at all. One was Christy, whom I haven't spoken too in almost a year. I asked her questions about her life and where she's at now. She's currently filing unemployment against the company. We're fighting it though. Partially because she resigned, and when she quit she had a job at Christopher Banks as well as an accounting job with some individual. I remember asking her why and in the dream she told me... but I can't remember what was said.
The other one was David. I'm guessing it's because he's been on my mind lately. Here is this incredible man I saw a real future with, and in the blink of an eye that future was gone. I have no hope in a relationship at the moment (intimate or friendly), but I often wonder what he's up too, where he's been, how he's doing... I tried to call him last night. I'm not sure why. Had he answered his phone, I wouldn't have known what to say to him. I'm at a loss for words. I just don't know what hurts more... David ignoring my phone calls, or having nothing to say.
And before I went to bed last night, I stood in the shower having an argument with God. I actually stood there, stared up at the ceiling and argued with Him. I'm not sure if I was using Him as a sounding board, or if I was actually just arguing with myself outloud. Either way, it didn't matter. I was speaking outloud to God. I asked Him so many questions. My argument went a bit like this:
"I'm tired of this. What did I do wrong in my previous life to deserve this? What am I supposed to learn from these experiences You keep putting me through? I know I don't have it bad. I know I shouldn't complain. There are way too many people out there who have it worse than I do. But what I don't understand is why I have to keep experiencing loss. What am I doing wrong here? And how can I change to make it better?"
And then I went on a small tangent that went a bit like this:
"Why do I fear the emotions associated with grief? I've experienced it enough times to know what it feels like, so why can't I accept the emotions and live through them when they happen? Why do I detach myself from the emotion and hide from it in fear?"
I have so many questions and very few answers.
Before I fell asleep last night, my mind drifted off in such a way that was a bit poetic. The poem didn't rhyme, but it went something like this:
He whispers his words against my skin,
soft and mellow like a spring breeze,
leaving me longing for more than the sound of his voice.
I listen quietly mesmerized,
my heart pounding inside my chest,
wondering if he can hear the rythmic beat.
So close;
I can almost feel him next to me,
inside of me,
completing me.
He pulls away with gentle care,
barely pushing me aside;
detaches himself,
and is gone.
Well... I need to go now. Work is almost over. Ta ta!
