9:02 PM - Wednesday, Mar. 03, 2004
Sexual Healing
I just received a package in the mail from David. Inside I found some of the best put together CDs I have ever seen. He really put a lot of time and effort into making them. So far, I have only listened to one CD. It's still playing in the background. The music is absolutely beautiful. I'm amazed at how much music I've missed out on in my life, how mainstream my selections are compared to his. There is one song on the CD.. a Kate Bush song.. I am in love with it. I've heard it before... I think in a movie... but I don't know. I'm in deep thought here right now. Hmmm....
I went to see my shrink today. She crossed "non-agressive" off the list and replaced it with "aggressive." She's very optimistic about my progress and says that I'm doing absolutely wonderful. The positive words really mean a lot to me. I told her I was feeling wonderful lately, and she said, "It's that you are feeling normal now whereas before you weren't." I completely agree with that. Now that my emotions are in check and my relationship with my father and co-workers has improved, it's now time to look back onto the past to find the missing pieces.
The other night I was on the phone with David telling him some very personal things. During our talk, I had a major breakthrough into my past. Let me say this first... Earlier in the evening my mother had called me to ask me if I wanted the family's piano. I told her, "yes, of course." And somehow during my conversation with David, I recalled something about the piano I had completely forgotten. We were discussing my sister Jenny and the molestation she went through as a teenager by a good family friend. Jenny used to play the piano all the time, and I wanted to follow in her footsteps. I used to sit at the piano and play simple tunes. I played from the age of 7... but this memory was from when I was around the age of 9. I remembered the man.. Danny was his name... I remembered him touching me while I played the piano; how he taught me to play "Doe a Deer" while he rubbed my back. He used to slide his hand up the back of my shirt and rub, or he'd message my shoulders. It bothered me, but I trusted him so I always assumed there was something wrong with me.
At the doctor's office... we spoke about this past. She asked me to speak to my mother to see if my mom had been molested as a child since my parents didn't pick up on the clues at all. It's said that if a parent doesn't clue into the signs, they are suspected of being desensitized to the clues because of their own abusive pasts. My mom said that when she looks back on it all now she can clearly see them, but back then she couldn't even see it at all. I guess they had known Danny since he was 11 years old and trusted him completely. You see, all of this was taking place when Danny was in his early 20s. Nobody suspected that he would molest us. Anyhow, my mother swears she was never molested as a child... and as for Angie? She and I came to the conclusion that she was too busy being social and hanging out with her friends. She was never alone. Angie says that her friend Lisa's mom had called up our mom and told her that she had suspicions... but my mom ignored them because Danny was like a son to them. The more I find out about this.. this past I can't understand.. the more clearly I can see the big picture.
As for what conclusions we have at the moment? Well, I'm not exactly sure. All I do know is that I was being groomed to be next. I can remember that much. All the backrubs and playful tickles... Oh my god. I just remembered something. We went to an amusement park with him. Joyland. He took me on the roller coaster.
He used to tickle me and tease me, too. He'd touch my thigh and squeeze it playfully. And he used to bring me presents... bracelets and necklaces. He once bought me a jewelry box with little brown teddy bears wearing red bows on it. There was a teddy bear on the inside that used to spin around. I always thought I was special because he didn't buy the other kids gifts. And I used to imagine that when I was older he and I would be married. How morbid is that? But then a child under ten doesn't think of sex and marriage.. just marriage. However, I do remember forcing my Barbie dolls to do sexual things. Where I would have picked up the sex act is beyond me, but I know it wasn't from TV, movies, or books.
I either had to witness more of what happened to Jenny than that one time I remember... or I was touched more than just on the back and thighs. If only I could remember. I think it will come to me soon. If these memories are just flooding back now.. more will come. My god. How disturbing. I may find the fact completely disturbing, but I'm not about to give up digging deeper into this past. I have to know more. I have to remember.
