12:14 PM - Thursday, May. 20, 2004
Blah... blah... blah.. blah.. blah..
Well, it's Thursday. To me, it feels like it's Tuesday. Don't ask me why. I couldn't tell you. Perhaps it's because I've been in a daze all week. Granted, I've been working - but I can't tell you what I've been working on. And no, it's not because I'm some ellusive member of some mafia family or something bonkers like that. It's because I seriously can't remember.
Anyhow, I'm taking a ten minute break from work here. My eyes are killing me. I've been staring at numbers for what feels like eons. So, let's see. What to type about?
I'm avoiding the news. Everything revolves around such negative aspects of society that it is bound to completely kill my prozac buzz and send me spiraling back into a severe depression. And the fact that some of the events that have happened in the past have caused me to feel sick inside... to the point that I can't help but throw-up every single time I remember the event... I just want to stay away from the tube and papers. And I wonder why I can't get any sleep at night lately.
Human suffering is fascinating. When the media tosses out things about the implorable injustices... humanity latches onto it like sticky glue. And the worse the injustice is, the more its dragged out in front of our eyes. When it comes to violence, I'm completely immune. That is, when I watch it on television or in the movies... but to see something horrible happen in front of me, or on video that could look fake but is completely real... it just makes me sick to my stomach. And it sticks with me for days on end. I can't get rid of the images. They burn into my mind. I still remember watching some video at my friend Becky's house in high school where scientists burned the flesh of pigs in order to test burn creams on them. I can still hear the pigs' squealing, and see their charred flesh. And I can still see the images of the pictures I was shown of concentration camp Jews from WWII, which always remind me of the image that remains in my mind of my Grandma starving herself to death because of the cancer. And with the latest video I watched... dear god... that image is going to be with me forever, too. And I ask myself, why in the hell do I have to have a morbid fascination with the suffering of living things? It disgusts me. It saddens me. It makes me sick to my stomach and causes me to be ill for days. Yet... I can't keep myself from seeking these images out, or watching what is forbidden.
When I start to feel overwhelmed or full of anxiety.. or I want to break down and cry.. my first thought is, "My god! It's coming back. Don't let it come back." It - of course - is in reference to the anxiety I've suffered my entire life. The only way I know its not completely returning is the fact that on Sunday, I actually went to the movies by myself. By myself! And it didn't bother me one bit. Well, that's a lie. When I first took off to the movies, I hesitated. But then I grabbed the steering wheel in my car and forced myself into the parking lot. Then when it came time to enter into the building, I pushed myself up to that ticket booth and even went and ordered myself some Mike & Ikes. I kind of like going to the movies by myself. And it was such a liberating feeling. My sister, Angie, doesn't understand that - but until you feel social anxiety to the upmost extreme measures.. you can never truly understand what we social anxiety sufferers go through.
What else? I feel like I'm searching for something non-existing. Sometimes I get this restless feeling inside of me that makes me want to go out and do something wild and crazy. I don't think I fear the unknown future anymore, but instead my fears revolve around getting hurt emotionally, dying without having married and enjoying life with somebody at my side, and becoming stuck in some routine that keeps me from living. And I know that I'm the only one who can keep that from happening. I know I'm the only one who can shape my future and make things happen. I know I'm the only one who can enforce this difference upon my lifestyle... but that damn fear keeps holding me back. And sometimes... well, that just pisses me off. I wish I were stronger inside. I wish I had more self-confidence. I wish I knew exactly what I was good at and believed in my abilities and myself.
I don't know what's wrong with me right now. I keep saying it's that I'm PMSing, but I haven't started yet - and since I'm slightly off schedule, I don't know when I am going to start. I just need some emotional support right now. I just need somebody to make me feel special and loved. I need the mooshy stuff.
Oh, to hell with this blabber talk. I'm sick of whining and bitching. I better get back to work.
