9:09 PM - Thursday, Apr. 08, 2004
as I sit here waiting....
This is going to be short, I'm hoping. I have a book to finish reading.
Anyhow, I'm still waiting on Oak Express to deliver my replacement mirror to my dresser. I'm still waiting on the construction crew to come clean up the debris in my driveway. I'm still waiting on the landscapers to sod my yard. I'm still waiting on my blinds and shutters to arrive from home depot. And I'm still waiting on the developers of Sims 2 to release the freaking game! I feel like I'm all doing lately is waiting.
At work, I used to feel overwhelmed. I'd be at the office from 9 AM until 7 PM almost every single weekday. Now that I'm on Prozac, I seem to be getting my work done way ahead of schedule so that my afternoons are mostly spent answering the phones and reading a book. Two years ago I wouldn't have minded such a job. It would have been a dream job to get paid to read fiction all afternoon. Now I want something to do. I need something meaningful to do. Something that challenges my mind and hits on my creativity. But what? What do I want to do? Where do I want to be in five years? Where do I see myself in six months? I need to start focusing on these questions and come up with an answer so I can strive for that goal. My list of goals are recreational for the most part. I need career goals now. Think, Jessica! Think! And I feel like I'm just waiting for the answers to flash in front of me, or jump into my brain. Just merely.. waiting.
I'm not entirely pissed off right now. In fact, I'm not sure what I am. First of all, the old man who works on my yard is kind of freaky. He followed me home today and kept looking at me. I wouldn't have thought anything of it, but ever since finding out about BTK and him being in his 60s like this man... well, I'm a bit paranoid. But he truly was kind of freaky. Another man at the office who was working outside gave me a look today, too. It was a perverted look. The man had to of been in his 40s. My dad was with me, thankfully. I'm afraid the scumbag would have tried to hit on me if my dad wasn't there to prevent it. I'm getting sick of dirty old men hitting on me. And I'm more sick of Greg (at the office) coming into my area and just standing there staring at random moments during the day. He disgusts me. Nasty pig, that he is. And I'm just waiting for the day he is gone and I no longer have to work with him. I'm just waiting... waiting... waiting.
And to top that off, Casey called me yesterday during the day and said he'd call me later that night after he got done with class, and he didn't! And Cory said he'd call me after he got off work later that night. And guess what? He didn't! These two men always do this to me. They always say they'll call, but they don't. If it happened only once or twice, I'd chalk it up to something major happening... or something... but this happens ALL the time. I'm sick of it! I'd rather they say, "Gotta go now. Talk to you later." than say, "I'll call you later tonight. Talk to you then!" I feel slighted. I feel disrespected. I feel like I put up with this too much. And if I do say something to them about it on the phone, which they should be happy I rarely do, they come up with excuses. Excuses my ass! I don't want to hear their pathetic excuses. I just want to be respected and treated nicely. I'm supposed to be their good friend, but I honestly don't see it. Maybe its because they are guys. No. Scratch that. I know a lot of men who keep to their word. Well, to hell with them both right now. Next time either one of them calls, I'm not answering and I'm not calling them back. See how they like being treated the same way they treat me. And I'm sick of waiting for them to call. I'm no longer waiting.
Which leads me into something positive... Something respectful. Something sweet. Something endearing. The way I believe true friends should treat each other... the way I hope I treat my friends. I read the journal of my dear friend the other day. It brought tears to my eyes. The entry was meant for me to read; and I have to admit, the words were some of the most beautiful kindest words ever written about me, to me... for me. At that moment, I wanted to wrap him up in a tight hug and never let go. Even though we barely talk to each other anymore, he has always been a part of my life. He's always been there for me, like a presence you feel next to you that encourages and uplifts you. And I have to thank him for that. I wish I could express to him what he means to me, but words can't define our friendship. I know he knows his words mean a lot to me, and that I'm forever grateful he is a part of my life. I am forever grateful he is my friend. Io ti amo, Bello.
Now, as for David? He's a wonderful thing. I have never met anyone I click so well with as I do him. A month ago it scared me. Now as we approach our two month anniversary, it scares me less and less. Its still exciting and thrilling, but its also comfortable and companionable. I'm growing very attached to him emotionally. You know when a little one enters into your life, and you can't remember life before they existed? Well, you remember it, but they have become such a part of your life that you can't imagine life without them? I'm about to that point, honestly. The real test will be the first day we don't talk to each other. That's when I'll know just how attached I've become.
I wonder if he's as attached to me as I am to him.
Oh, damn it. Now I'm crying. It must almost be that time of the month. My mood is so emotional right now! I'm off to finish my book now.. spent almost an entire hour writing this entry.
More to come later.. obviously. I'm just gonna go do what I do best. What's that? Well, it's obvious to me. That's waiting!
