12:09 PM - Saturday, Aug. 07, 2004
Like two sparrows in a hurricane...
A month and ten days to go until The Sims 2 is released. I can't wait to play the game! I'm going to make my characters have alien babies and affairs and all sorts of fun stuff. Plus, it looks like you get to create some really cool looking homes. I can't wait to do that. I LOVE putting things together like that.
Casey called me last night. During our conversation, he said something like, "You don't think I'm special anymore." I replied, "Shut-up. Whatever." And he said, "Well, you don't." And I said, "Do you have to be reminded all the time by people that you're special?" And he said, "By you, yes." And he said it in such a way that you could tell he really needed some assurance, and that my opinion of him really mattered to him. I said, "Casey, you know you're special to me. You always have been. You always will be. I thought you knew that." So, he's calling me tonight.
I never noticed it before, but he has low self-esteem. Which is really silly for him to have seeing that he's such an awesome guy. He's intelligent, funny in a comical way, has a really excellent singing voice, plays the guitar with true talent, and isn't afraid to be his own individual. But, I guess we all suffer from our own low self-esteems in our own ways. I understand completely where he's coming from.
In the past, I used to need people's reassurance, too. Heck, just recently I went through a tough period of needing the reassurance that things were okay between "the prick" and I. As for Casey, his is stemming from a need to be liked, perhaps even loved. He needs that emotional attachment to make him feel completely whole and secure. When we dated over a year ago, we fed each other that need because we both craved it. The thing is, I've grown away from that. He has yet to do so. Perhaps he needs to go on Prozac too.
I do adore Casey. I always will. He was the first relationship I had after a past incident that made me completely happy inside and out. I consider the time with him a turning point in my life for the better. Plus, he taught me so much. Okay, let's face it. Of all the relationships I had before Casey, none of them made me ultimately happy. None of them felt like they would last. Perhaps I used all those men just to say I had somebody, knowing full well that eventually the relationship would come to an end. And with Casey? God, I actually saw a future with him. I actually thought it was the real thing. It was the first time ever, in my entire life, that I felt like I was in a real relationship. I think it's because he was more than just my lover. He was my friend. For awhile there, he was my best friend.
And that's what happened with David, too. David had become my best friend.
But they also taught me another valuable lesson. Both of them. It doesn't matter how close you feel to someone, how much you care about them, or how wonderful you feel the relationship is. Nothing last forever. What you experience today has the possibility of ending tomorrow, a week from now, a month or even a year away... or it could even end within the hour.
It's something you have no control over. It's something that can slap you in the face if you let yourself get caught up too much in the fantasy of the whole thing.. no matter how real that fantasy feels. It doesn't matter if you're married to the man, if you're just dating him, or if you're just friends with him. One minute he can be in your life as an important factor, and the next... well, he's gone. Even if he fills your head with, "I'll love you forever." or "You're all mine. Always and forever." That's why I love to say, "Forever can last only a weekend."
Forever. It's a word that holds just as much strength as the saying, "I love you." Why do people say, "I'll love you forever" when more than likely they'll only love you for the moment, and when the moment is gone, it leaves you with the rest of forever without that love? I could NEVER say "I'll love you forever," to just anybody. I'd say it to my cat, but that's because I'll love her for her entire life. But when it comes to romantic love? I could never say it. I'm way too jaded towards men and relationships. Everytime I get emotionally involved with a man, they end up hurting me. You would think that I'd learn by now not to get involved with men, period. Ha ha!
That's why I'm slightly distant with Casey right now. I don't want to let myself fall for him again. I'm afraid he'll do to me what he did to me last time. It's safer to keep my distance, to maintain a slight lack of trust. Until I know for certain that I'm not going to get hurt, I'm going to shield my heart from the abuse of relationship pain.
I just don't trust the men I choose to date or get emotionally involved with anymore. The sad thing is, I can't find myself wanting to be with a nice guy because they smother me. I can't find myself wanting to be with a good guy because they end up hurting the most when the relationship ends. I can't find myself wanting to be with a bad boy because... well, honestly.. I just don't find them attractive. Cocky men who flaunt their sex and live life a bit on the dangerous side don't appeal to me. Normally those men don't have good personal hygene, and are so messed up emotionally and mentally that they just aren't worth the effort. Plus, you know that any line they feed you is a crock of shit. I'd rather have somebody that's real.
So, I've eliminated Nice, Good and Bad guys. Who does that leave me with? Women? No offense to the women out there, but even if I were slightly interested in a female/female relationship, I wouldn't be able to handle being with a woman. They don't have the right body parts, for one... and they get way too bitchy and emotional sometimes. I know, because I am one.
SO that leaves me by myself, which isn't really so bad. My palm says I'm to have quite a few relationships or possible marriages. The way I see it, I've gone through most of the relationships already, and if I ever do get married it won't be for a very long time. I fear divorce too much. I don't want to marry someone that isn't going to be my mate "until death do us part."
I want the whole package or nothing.
Right now, I'm settling for nothing.
Ah, hell. Why did I just go off on this crap? I guess it was on my mind. Oh well. I'm going to log off now. I've got things to do.
