12:27 PM - Sunday, May. 30, 2004
Living Dead Girl
I slept in today. I didn't want to crawl out of bed. The cat woke me up at 8 AM, but I just rolled over and closed my eyes ignoring her pleading cries. About 10:45, she finally got me to climb out of bed so I could fill up her empty water bowl.
Last night, I went to bed right after I finished writing my journal entry. I just don't have any desire or ambition right now. All I want to do is sleep, cry, and avoid reality. I was hoping I'd be able to sleep as many hours as possible away... but about 9 PM the tornado sirens went off and woke me up. I grabbed my pillow, a blanket, and my book and hung out in the basement for a bit. Then I crawled up the stairs to my couch and flipped on the TV. I don't remember what I was watching but at least it made me lose focus for a couple of hours. I eventually made it back to bed, stared at the ticking time bomb clock, cursed the phone and the people who don't call anymore, and drifted off to sleep.
Now I'm just wasting time until I have to go pick up my prescription at Walgreen's. I was going to go buy a TV for the basement today, but I'm in no mood to go about spending my money. That's when you know I'm truly not myself... when I can't even get up the energy or drive to go spend some major cash. I even turned down an invite to Wal-Mart yesterday. Granted, I hate Wal-Mart and avoid it as much as possible... but I can never turn down a shopping trip. I don't know what's wrong with me. Part of me just wants to be left alone completely, and the other part of me is pissed off that people won't answer their phones or call me. The only person to call keeps coming up under "Unknown Caller" - and no offense to Erwin... but he's not the person I want to talk too right now.
Oh, what in the hell is wrong with me? I've been fucking rejected. Why can't I just accept that fact and move on with my life? Why do I have to wallow about in this self-pity and eat ice-cream all day while blowing my nose into some used kleenex? Life is so much simpler when you don't get involved emotionally with people. Then they can't come back and bite you hard in the ass and make you feel like shit and cause you to cry all the damn fucking time.
I'm going to have to turn this faucet of mine off and become completely void of emotion. From this moment forward, I'm going to be the queen of ice. People can start to call me Queen Vanilla or Princess Strawberry. They'll want to lick me and savor my taste, but I won't give them the pleasure. I'm wrapping my heart up in an ice-pack and storing it away in the freezer. It'll take a very strong, dedicated, and loving man to thaw me back out and make my heart pump again.
Starting at this very moment... Jessica Nichole Weir is dead inside. And just for the record... what in hell's name is up with my yahoo mail account always getting spam mail for enlarging one's p_enis????? Fucking morons. If I had a penis or p_enis to enlarge, I sure as hell wouldn't be crying over some blasted man. I'd be dating a woman, getting her to attach herself emotionally to me, and then leaving her high and dry because I have committment issues. Hmm.. not a bad idea, actually. Maybe it's about time I became a full-fledged lesbian and told the male sex to just go fuck themselves.
