11:00 AM - Friday, May. 14, 2004
Super long updated thought process
Well, I'm at work right now. I should be doing my work, but I'm not feeling motivated enough. I'll get it done today, though. You know, I was just thinking... it's kind of odd how many people in this world are discontent with their jobs. I wonder why that is. Is it because they aren't doing what they've always dreamt of doing? Or is it because they just don't like working in general? I complain about work a lot, but if I were to compare my job to other jobs that are out there, I have it so good. So many people out there have it worse off than I do, so who am I to complain? Granted, I'm discontent sometimes. I'm stuck in a comfort zone - and I feel I have a lot more to offer to the world than... well... this. I guess I'm scared of letting go of what I know to enter into the world of the unknown; but I'm also scared of waking up ten.. twenty... thirty years from now never breaking out of this mold. It's a catch 22, and the ending decision is up to me. I know the answer already. I just need to find a way to implement the plan.
Now on to other things... first a random update on why I haven't been online as much as I used to be. Well, let's face it. I just haven't been in the mood to be online. I've been getting back into reading books, and want to spend almost all my free time doing that. I love reading, and I've missed it.
Plus, life has been super busy these past few weeks. My grandparents moved into their home last Friday, which was also the day that my brother Scott returned to Boston with Tom after being home for a few days. I went to the airport to see Scott off, ran some errands in the late afternoon with my mother, and then went over and spent a good portion of the evening helping my grandparents unpack and move in.
On Saturday, Lee came to the home about 9:30. Poor Lee. He was probably overwhelmed by the entire family all at once. And I'm certain he was extremely bored, too. After all, practically the entire family was around. Jackie, Darci, Janna, Tagen, Sadie, Megan, Joe, Angie, Brian, Grandma and Grandpa, Patty, Esther, Kristin, Audrey and the cat Ashley were all there. We had lunch at Angie's house. Brian had grilled out on the patio. Then in the afternoon, we attended my cousin Kathy's funeral. Kathy had been diagnosed with brain cancer about six or seven years ago. There was a time when the tumor had shrunk enough that everyone assumed Kathy would live forever. She died on Wednesday. I guess she had been feeling severe pain in the back of her head, had gone to the doctor for a prescription.. had to call the insurance company before getting the prescription filled.. and that's when she died. The insurance lady on the other end of the line had called 911. She hadn't even been home for 15 minutes, from what her son Tony told us. I'm still in shock she's passed on. It won't hit me until Thanksgiving comes around that she's gone. I think that's when I'll do my grieving. Well, after the funeral we all had pizza at my house, and then Lee and I watched Gangs of New York on the DVD player.
Sunday... well, that was Mother's Day. I spent the morning talking to Lee and going through pictures of my childhood and stuff. He had to leave at 12:30, but then I was to spend the day with my mother anyhow. I ended up over at my grandparent's house hanging out with my cousins. Jackie and I went to Bed, Bath & Beyond for a little bit... then after Jackie and her family left for the day, Grandpa & Grandma and I all went to Colwich for pizza at Gambinos with the rest of the family. Then I went home and turned on the tube and tried to relax.
My shutters came on Monday. Brian hung them up on Tuesday. Once again, we had pizza for supper. I'm getting really sick and tired of pizza, here. I've been hanging out at my grandparents every now and then helping them organize all their stuff, and the weather's been terrible. Just the other night, 10 tornadoes touched down in western Kansas. We've had storms out the whazoo, too. Yesterday, it was 48 degrees outside and drizzly. In the middle of May! It's so unheard of, here. Okay, enough about the weather.
I'm worried about Ryan. He has to get metal implants put into his jaw during a surgery he'll have soon. I can't imagine the pain he is going through right now. He was attacked on Friday by some Mexican guy for no reason on his way home from Corey's house. Ryan assumes he might have been trying to rob him, or perhaps he was just in the mood to beat somebody up. Now his jaw is fractured in different places, and his kidney isn't functioning to it's fullest potential. Poor 'yan man. He's a touch cookie, though. And fortunately he wasn't killed. He's too good of a guy to have his life taken this early in the game. And he has way too much to offer this world. I hope they catch the guy who did this to him. God, it's just so senseless! Why do people fill up with such rage that they beat somebody up almost to the point of killing them? I just don't understand that rage. I just don't understand the satisfaction. Of course, I dream at night sometimes of beating up two people in the office here, but would I ever act on that desire? Hell no! That's insane. Poor 'yan man. Poor poor 'yan man.
David's been in New Mexico all week. He's gone to visit some pretty cool places. One of them is that VLA place that has all those huge white dishes that read radio signals from the earth or something. You know, that place that is featured in the movie Contact. He also went to Charlesbad and hiked in the caves there. And he visited Roswell, too. What I would give to be able to just take off and go do these kinds of things. I have to admit I'm rather envious of him. He gets to experience all this living. I know I could, too. I just need to listen to the Nike slogan and "Just do it!" My problem is.. although I've improved tons because of my good friend the Prozac pill these last few months... I still have this fear of travelling alone, experiencing things alone... It's almost like I need that somebody else who is a dreamer to motivate me and push me to do the things I want to do. At least for now. Maybe when I'm a bit older and I've been on Prozac longer than four months... I'll have the gumption to act on my ambitions alone. Or maybe I'm just clinging to the familiarity of the fear I've known all my life, and find it odd that I no longer have those feelings as strongly? We'll see. We'll see.
Cory's coming to visit soon. He's been going through a lot of changes this year, changes that I think have improved him. He's accepted his personality, and he's coming into his age. He's definitely done a lot of growing since this time last year, and I couldn't be happier for him. I hope he continues to grow in this direction because I know the man he's becoming is worth knowing.
Now, I know this entry is super long, but I can't seem to help myself here. I just have so much going on in my mind. And I haven't written in ages. It's been forever since I've written a poem. I guess one day I will find my poetry muse again. I just don't know what to write about. I'm not depressed so I can't write about all the depressing things. I'm not dreamy, so I can't lose myself into metaphors right now. I feel.. almost like I'm too focused. You know, it's really strange. Before the prozac, life was blurry. I had no sense of my surroundings. My entire existence was used up being full of anxiety and worry. I buried my nose in a book, into my work, or lost myself in a movie or on the internet just so I wouldn't have to face reality. My childhood was full of the same anxiety and fears. I didn't know life could be any different, and that I could feel this... aware of things. I'm not too sensitive, and I'm not desensitized. I'm somewhere in the middle for once. And now... now, it's like.. damn. How do you explain this to people who probably have no idea what I mean? Now it's like.. look at this place! The colors of the wall are a tannish brown. The desk is oak. The computer is black. The floor is a grayish blue, and it's a different carpet than the one that is in the hallway. And I'm listening to Whitney Houston's "How Will I Know?" song. And there are people in existence all around me who are moving about their day doing what they need to do.. and I'm sitting here contemplating all of this! And I want to go to Wendy's and savor the flavor of a frosty, and I want to bury my feet into ankle high mud and feel the earth ooze inbetween and all around my toes. And I want to feel the splash of water against my skin whether it be in the bathtub, shower, pool, lake, ocean.. or even puddle. And I want to close my eyes and listen to music fill the air, and I want to lay my eyes on everything....
Oh, I could go on, but I have to get to work now. Damn. Damn. Damn.
