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11:05 AM - Sunday, Jul. 04, 2004
I am Jessica. Hear me roar.
My electricity went out last night with the really terrible storm we had. The strange thing is, I remember waking up and seeing my alarm clock blinking at me, but then I woke up again and it wasn't blinking at all. In fact, it said it was 4:30. BUT, I could see the light shining through the windows outside so I assumed I slept all afternoon thinking it was 4:30 PM. Then my sister calls me and I look at the clock. It says 7:15, so I'm thinking I was just having a strange dream or something. But then I call my dad, ask him what time it is, he says it's 10:30 AM.. and I say, "why does my clock say 7:30?" And he confirms the storms.. and well.. anyhow.. it was just a really strange thing to wake up to a clock that was no longer blinking when clocks usually blink till you set them again.

I spent the entire day yesterday helping my sister Jenny and her husband Jeff pack up and move from Salina to Wichita. Jenny and I were on one end of the heavy furniture while Jeff was on the other. Afterwards, we ended up eating dinner at Carlos O'Kelley's and they paid. I was like, "hey.. I should help you guys move more often if I get a free meal out of it."

I talked to Cory on the phone the night before last. He was pretty drunk. I asked him when the last time he had sex was and he said, "two days ago." That disappointed me something major. But then, I need to quit assuming things or having high expectations of people because it seems whenever I do, they let me down. And they shouldn't even be letting me down because it's their life, not mine. They have the freedom to be whomever they wish to be, the freedom to do whatever they wish to do. I don't know. I think somewhere deep inside of me I assumed that if I waited, he would wait too. I actually thought in my head yesterday morning that if we ever do end up sleeping together, he has to wear a condom. I boldly told myself that I want more in the future with some wonderful man. I want to be able to have children and an active sex life with the man I end up marrying someday. If he is sleeping with other women, who is to say who these other women are sleeping with, too. And if that's the case, what's to keep them from contracting some sexually transmitted disease. I don't want to end up with any STD that may inable my ability to have a beautiful relationship with the man I end up with someday. Yes, I love sex. Yes, I want a partner who also loves sex. And because of that, I don't want to do anything detrimental to hurt what eventually could be.

I understand that sex is more emotional for the woman while it's more physical for the man. I have to remember that, because while it's easy for a man to go around and sleep with all sorts of other women and not think twice about it, I can't bring myself to go sleep around with men just to satisfy my need for physical pleasure. Not even with men whom one would consider "fuck buddies." I don't know if it's because I'm a woman and not a man, or if it's something different than that. Perhaps I've come to a point in my life where I don't need to succumb to the temptation of sex; and when I do eventually participate in the act it won't be done in order to fulfill my physical desires or needs. It will be done out of respect and love for the individual with whom I have chosen to give myself too. In other words, I think I'm becoming a woman and slowly but surely leaving behind the woman-child I have been over the last 8 or 9 years.

I am kind of proud of myself, come to think of it. Last year, I would have spread my legs for any man willing to pay attention to me just because I thought it was what I was supposed to do. Don't ask me why. I can't answer why. I can only say that my self-esteem was so low that any attention, even negative sexual attention, was sought to give me some form of emotional satisfaction. I'm through with that. I don't want to be seen as a sex object anymore. Yes, I want to be desired. No, I don't want to disrespect myself by seeking the attention of every man by being exactly what they think they want and need. I may love being a whore in the bedroom, but I am NOT going to be one for every Tom, Dick, and Harry. I'm not going to have sex until I meet my "Brian" or "Jeff" or "Tom" like my siblings have. And I'm not going to jump into a sexual relationship with the man I end up dating straight away, either. If he is worth dating, he can wait the six months to a year. (Unless of course it's a relationship like Angie and Brian's where they were married within 9 months of knowing each other.) He'll prove to me I'm worth waiting for, and that I'm loved and desired enough that no other woman could possibly make him succumb to his weakness through temptation.

Side Note:All men are different. Not every man is a jerk or a player. So, if I sit here and type out things that seem to generalize ALL men into one category, don't let that fool you. I know not every man is this way because I have friends like Ryan, Allen, Ofer, Lee, Jay, and a few others who prove to me that real men do exist out there.

You know, I always assumed I understood men, having grown up around mostly boys my entire life. I think I'm learning some valuable lessons recently about them through the relationships I have had. I tend to go for men who are very sexual, thus ending up with men who can't keep their penises in their pants. Even some of my very good male friends (the ones I end up being sexual with) are like the men that I date. And while I allow myself to become emotionally attached to these men and male friends, they keep it leaning more towards the physical and what I can do for them physically. It's always about sex to them. It's my own fault for allowing it to always be about sex. I'm not putting all the blame on these men. I'm just as guilty as they are. I am a sexual creature, more sexual than most females. But.. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my outlook on sex is changing. My view towards myself is changing. My ideals and desires are becoming more realistic and mature. I'm ready to start respecting myself. I'm ready to grow up.

Ryan called me last night. We talked about many things, but the only thing I'm going to mention in here is in relation to the above paragraphs. He told me in his own words that maybe I need to be single for awhile and quit jumping from one relationship to the next, or one emotional support to the next. Maybe I need to be by myself and enjoy myself for awhile. It's true. Even if I wasn't in a relationship, I had men who were fulfilling my basic needs. I'd latch onto the men who would make me feel desired and wanted until the next boyfriend came around to take over and give me what I needed. When that boyfriend and I would breakup, I'd find another man or male friend to take the boyfriend's place until another boyfriend could replace them.

I'm a lot like my sister Jenny in that way. She's never been alone or completely single. And while I hate to admit it, I know it's because we both have had sexually traumatic experiences in our childhood and past. We both viewed ourselves as the object of desire for all men, and would do what we were taught to do at an early age: to be the sex object men used for physical gratification. It would become the only method or cycle we'd know; and because of our low self-esteems, we actually thought it was the only thing we were worthy of. It satisfied us physically and emotionally to a degree, hurt us completely when our emotions took over and latched onto the ones we would come to depend on for happiness, and kept us from living an individual life where we weren't co-dependent upon somebody else.

Jenny has gone through years of therapy. She has found a nice man who supports her yet also gives her the freedom of individuality she's never possessed before with any other man. She is one of the lucky ones who was able to break the negative cycle and find herself. In this way, she is my role model. If she can do it, so can I.

The way I'm going to do it: I'm going to be single and by myself for awhile like Ryan suggested. I'm going to research hobbies and find something I enjoy doing by myself or with others that doesn't revolve around the internet or sex. I'm thinking I would like to try out photography and painting. I'm still working on getting my sisters to take a stain glass window making class with me. That's one class I don't want to do by myself. I can do the photography and painting alone. Maybe I'll even join a book club outside of The Weir Sister's book club? I'm going to save up money over the summer and look into finding other possible jobs or career paths. I'm also going to keep adding to my European fund so I can fly over to Germany next summer and visit Claus. (And while I'm on the other side of the big pond, I want to visit the places my forefathers came from.) I am going to quit being a woman-child. I'm 26.5 years old. It's time I started to act like it. And I'm going to look back at this page everytime I begin to faulter and fall back into the role of the spoiled child to remind me that I'm worth loving, I'm worth respecting, I'm worth waiting for, and I'm growing up... alone for the time being (or maybe even forever, but that's okay, too). This is my life. It doesn't have to be dictated by the lifestyles of the people around me or closest to me. I need to fulfill this one chance at life that I have by doing things by myself and with others that I love doing. And while it scares me still to adventure into the unknown by myself without a hand to hold onto, I know deep down I can get past the fear and do it. And with that knowledge, I feel more powerful than the fear. It makes me strong inside.

I read Nic my Tarot card reading. It said that I was going to be focusing on self-actualization and the road to intimacy in love and relationships. That was a week or two ago. To look back on the Tarot card reading now, I'm amazed how accurate its fortune is. Here I am. I have found myself (for the most part). I may not have completely found my place in this world, but I have found myself. And I am not ready for an intimate love relationship just yet. I will be someday, but I think I need to work on finding my place in society first. Perhaps while I'm looking for the place I'm meant to be, I will find my "true love soulmate" along the way. I'm not going to go looking for him, though. Like Ryan suggested.. maybe this time I need to let him come to me. I'm not even going to worry about it anymore.

In other words: I am Jessica. Hear me roar!

 

 

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