9:08 PM - Wednesday, Feb. 18, 2004
"I resent the fact..."
I have had an emotional melt-down today. Did I wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning? This is how the day went from the start to the ending....
5:30 AM - Damn it. What is that noise? Shoot. It's my cat rummaging through a plastic sack I left on a table in my room. "Who do you think you are? Stop that, Ashley! I'm trying to catch some major Z's." After five attempts of yelling at her to stop, I finally threw a pillow in her direction and she quit. Time to go back to sleep.
7:00 AM - the alarm goes off. I toss and turn, push the snooze button and proceed to doze off again. I do this for the next hour and a half.
8:30 AM - I wake up startled, realize I'm late for work and jump out of bed. I don't have time to shower. I throw on my clothes, stumble over the cat while attempting to fill her food bowl. It's trash day today. I have to collect the trash and put it out on the driveway for the trashmen. I grab all the big furniture boxes, smash them down and put them out to be picked up, too.
9:00 AM - Oh shoot! I forgot to take my pills. I pop them one at a time. Do I put the chipped tank lid to the toilet on the front porch or not? What time is my doctor's appt. today? Where in the world did I put my appointment book? Will the plumber finally come by and replace the tank lid or avoid it for another day? Damn it. I've tripped over the cat again. I need to clean out her litter box and refill it with litter. Okay. Done. Did it. Now what? oh yeah. Work. Need to take the deposits this morning. How do I address the situation from last night?
9:20 AM - In the Jeep. Driving to Intrust Bank. My god. Everybody and their Grandma is at the bank today! Impatient. Come on. I'm late for work. I still have a 20 minute drive to the office. What is taking so long?
9:45 AM - Finally! On my way to the office. I'm late. I'm late. I'm late. Damn it. I spilt Dr. Pepper down my shirt. This is never going to come out! How do I address the issue at the office?
- insert issue - I worked late last night and while I was working I needed to look up some information on a program called PacAccess. I clicked on the PacAccess button and a screen pops up asking for a password and screen name. My first reaction? "What the hell? Why can't I access the well information? This is it! I've had it with these people. I'm sick and tired of them blocking me from certain programs so I can't do my job." I mumble and curse. Hadn't eaten dinner. I was starving. My heart beat was racing. I felt like crying. I call up my parents and tell them that I have had it and that something better be done now because I was getting sick and tired of this immature B.S.
10:20 AM - At the office. I tell Diana B. about my dilemma. "Don't get mad," she says. "Ask about it. Make sure there just isn't something wrong with the program." Okay. Good advice. Don't get mad. Ask first. Don't get mad. Ask first. They're in a meeting. Wait and ask first. Doing my work.
1:30 PM - Asked Brian. "Is there any reason as to why I'm blocked from PacAccess?" His response? "I don't know, Jess." Go back to dad's office. "Will you PLEASE find out why I'm blocked from the PacAccess program?" So he does. Asks the guys. They don't know. Asks Greg. He gets defensive. "She's not blocked." "She's not?" says my dad. "No. She's not blocked." "Yes, I am," I say. "No you're not," says the *ahem*. "Yes, I am." I insist. "I'll show you." I show them. "Oh, the password is such and such," says Greg as my dad is standing there behind me. I try the password. It's invalid. "The passwords invalid," I say. I'm feeling overwhelmed by this. I'm hungry. Haven't eaten since last night. I need some food. I go to eat. I almost roll the jeep getting out into traffic.
2:00 PM - I'm filing. Greg's fixing my computer. He's on the phone with Jeff.
2:45 PM - I look at the clock. Damn it. I'm going to be late for my Drs. Appt. Getting ready to leave. In walks Greg. Makes me see the program is fixed. And then it happens! Yes, this inevitable moment... First he says, "I resent the fact that you accuse me of blocking you from the computer programs." I look at him as if to say, "Excuse me?" I'm all ready feeling stressed out. I'm totally overwhelmed.. and now my heart has skipped a beat and my anxiety level has skyrocketed. "I never blocked you from your programs," he says. And I say, "If you didn't block me from access, then who did?" He didn't respond. And so I said, "I don't have time to argue with you right now. I have a Drs. Appt." He starts to argue with me more and I say, "I resent the fact that you grab your crotch in front of me and adjust your pants. I would appreciate it you stopped doing that in front of me in the future." And by this time my heart is pounding so fiercely that I think I'm going to have a heart attack. He goes all silent. Doesn't say a word.. doesn't even say he's sorry for touching himself so boldly and rudely in front of me in the past.. and what happens next? He turns around and walks out of my area. I tell Diana B. I'll see her tomorrow. Go down the hall.. tell my dad, "I'm leaving. Goodbye." And I walk out the door.
And I know that doesn't sound so bad when I type it out.. but if you had been feeling what I felt inside you'd be overwhelmed and tired and emotionally drained from this build-up over the last two freaking years.. of all this crappy shit treatment I've had to endure for that time period.. all the foul rude gestures Greg has done in front of me almost in front of my face... it was time something was done.
And I come home and find the trash men didn't pick up my fucking trash!
I'm not waking up on that side of the bed tomorrow. I can't take another today again.
