5:36 PM - Wednesday, Mar. 17, 2004
A work in progress....
Well, so many things to say... so little time to say them in. Let's begin with the house. They are finally working on putting my yard in. I have some pretty nice bushes out front for the landscaping. Now I just need some grass, some paint to cover the inside walls with, and some furniture to put into the basement living room. It'll all come together. I have faith in that.
My dresser: 4 weeks and 3 days later, my dresser with the mirror has arrived. The lazy bums from Oak Express finally delivered the damn thing. BUT - and this is a huge BUT - there is a crack in the corner of the mirror. I've called them up to replace it. I bet it'll be another 4 weeks before I see that baby.. and a lot of stressful phone calls to some managers. They must love me down there. Ha ha!
I worked today on some life goals. I came up with these (They go in no particular order):
1. Write a Novel
2. Learn to ski and water ski
3. Travel to Canada, Scotland, and Australia
4. Go white water rafting
5. Ride in a hot air balloon
6. Visit Mt. Rushmore
7. Visit the Statue of Liberty
8. Paint the inside of my house
9. Learn to Cook
10. Go backpacking across Europe
11. Take stain glass window making classes
12. Collect a postcard from every state and country possible
13. Bunjee Chord Jump
14. Go sailing and see a whale (Cape Cod, anyone?)
15. Attend a Cubs game at Wrigley Field
16. Go deep sea diving
17. Become a size 8
18. Someday build my dream home
19. Have a family with at least 3 kids
20. Go mountain climbing/hiking
21. Learn to ride a horse (with David)
22. Learn to play golf
23. Furnish my basement
24. Exercise at least five times a week
25. Learn to play tennis
26. Learn to play the guitar
27. Become a better piano player
28. Go to at least 1 movie or concert a month
29. Keep in touch with long distance friends as much as possible
30. Obtain a Masters in something
31. Figure out what that something is
32. Learn to be more assertive
33. Live in a big city for at least six months
34. Volunteer at a shelter or something
35. Climb a pyramid in Mexico
36. Visit the Golapagos Islands
- And that's all that I've come up with so far. Now I just need to learn what to do next with all of them. Yay me!
I've registered to vote. I didn't choose an affiliated party. I was registered under Republican at my old address, but I went to some site that's supposed to help you figure out what party would best represent you, and the majority of the things that came up for me were Democratic in nature. I decided I would figure out if I am a Democrat before making such a decision. But... I am now apt to be approached to enter into jury duty. That's what you get when you register to vote.
I also downloaded the application for a passport from online. All I needed was a copy of my birth certificate and a photo. I asked my mother for a copy of my birth certificate and she kept postponing giving it to me, so I just went to some site where I ordered my own copies online. Now I just have to wait for it to arrive in the mail. That should give me ample time to go get this photograph taken. Then I'll apply for a passport and be one step closer to being able to go travel the world. I am SO excited!
Now on to the bad news. It's official. Yet, I'm not sure if its completely official. I mean, I don't remember much from back then.. this childhood of mine, so I don't know how to put this. Basically it was discussed today at my Drs. Appt. that I was not only groomed to be a molestation victim, I was molested. How is that possible? I can't recall him touching me in my private areas. I can't recall him forcing me to touch him on his. Not that I remember anyhow. I wish I could remember. It's all blocked out still.
I remember only small incidents.. the showering of gifts, the idle touches. Did he touch me down there? Did he touch my breasts? I don't know! Was I acting out what he did to me through my Barbie dolls or not? I can't remember. I researched online the symptoms that a victim of molestation shows throughout their childhood - and oddly, though I can't remember any bleeding or trouble walking - I exemplified so many of the signs, its uncanny. I cried a lot. I stayed awake as much as possible reading a book into the early morning hours so I wouldn't have to fall asleep. I burrowed myself underneath my blankets with this constant fear inside of me that somebody was going to come and touch me and take me away from the comfort of my bed. I was always a sexual being... a sexual child. I replaced love with sex in almost all my intimate (or lack thereof) relationships. When I learned about puberty (even before I hit puberty), it made me sick to my stomach. I had repeated episodes of bad relationships with a lot of emotional, sexual, and sometimes physical abuse. I was shy and reserved, always feeling out of place and disassociated with almost everyone. I suffered from depression and severe anxiety - especially towards older men and older boys. I was submissive... passive to a fault. And the list goes on.......
Will I ever remember exactly what happened? I hope so. I need to know so I can heal myself. I went back to work after my Drs. Appt today and just felt sick to my stomach. I wrote Jenny an e-mail asking her if we could talk about something important and personal sometime soon. We'll see how she replies to that. I need to speak to her. I need to know if she can remember what happened to me, or if she can tell me what took place between her and Danny that I witnessed with my own eyes.
Anyhow, I'm just glad to be heading down a healthy path. I have goals again. I have some ambitions. Now I just need to learn how to implement them and get the ball rolling.
Enough about that. Time for me to lose myself in a book.
