9:46 PM - Monday, Aug. 16, 2004
\"It's just a job, Jess....\"
I had a stressful day today. There's so much stuff I have to get done at the office, it's just insane. I should have enjoyed those lazy days of having nothing to do while I could, because now it seems that the work won't stop piling up.
"Get this done, Jessica!" "I need this done ASAP, Jessica!" "Make me 10 copies of these, 4 copies of this, and send them to these people. Make sure they get out the door today. Oh, and type up this 12 page report, add a memo to it, and get it out the door as well." And let's not forget that this is all being done between constant interruptions from the telephone. Every 2 minutes the phone rings. They need to hire another person to answer the phones. I'm really about to go postal here. I thought I was a patient person, but I'm finding out that I'm more apt to kick a hole in the wall. I may love to multi-task, but I can't do 4,000 things at once. I can only do... maybe five things at once without any problems. Ah, dear god. I am going insane!
I got to work at 8:30. The skies were pouring down rain so hard you couldn't see five feet in front of you. I love the rain. It's times like that when I wish I had a window. I'd love to watch the rain fall down striking the earth and kissing the windowpanes. There's something I find alluring about gray skies, the sound of thunder, flashes of lightening, and water rushing down the sides of streets to the rain gutters. When I was little, I used to slip into one of my dad's T-shirts, grab my old pink skateboard and slide along the curbs being pushed by the water. I used to dance in the rain, too. Sing... dance... splash in the puddles. I even ran along the curbs after the rain had stopped and the water was still flowing in order to capture some of the squirmy worms. I'd chop them in half just to see what would happen. I hope one day my children love the rain, and that they'll love to play in the water as much as I did. Oh, how I wish I had a window at work to enjoy the rainy weather.
I shouldn't be looking at my office as a prison. I shouldn't be looking at my job as a punishment. It's not that I don't enjoy doing what I do from time to time... I just can't continue to stand the environment. When it gets too bad, I think it's time for a long vacation. The pay is too nice to quit, and with the house payments, I can't afford to lose income. Plus, while I work at this job, I get nice bonuses, my car and health insurance is paid for, my car tags are paid for, and I can take off whenever I absolutely need too, no questions asked. I seriously think my problem is being holed up in one area for way too long, and being far too distracted from my work by the damn telephone.
Well, not only that... but then there's also the issue of the people I work with. I get along extremely well with Diana B., Marshall, Mark, both Davids, Brian, Jon, Dad, and practically all the people who work out in the field. I don't know them all so that's why I say practically... And I'd like to still believe that Erin and I get along well. Jackie and I are on good terms. We just barely know each other. Same thing with Brad. It's just a certain few whom I don't get along well with, and they ruin it for me. It doesn't matter if I come into the office with a cheery hello. They ignore it as if I've never said a word. It doesn't matter if I say have a nice weekend. They give me a dirty look for offering nice words. If I take a day of sick leave, I get the silent treatment as if I suffer from the plague. If I go on vacation to utilize the paid days off I get, I receive the same treatment. They look at me as if I did something wrong. They do the same thing when I take an hour off for lunch, or even a half an hour. Heck, they even do it when I leave the office area to take a piss. Who are they? Well, of course "they" are Greg and Diane. Alone they aren't so bad. Together they are worse than Goliath. And as for Lori? Well, I haven't figured out how to perceive her yet. There are days when I think she likes me, and days when I think she's disgusted with me. I've asked my mom about this, and she insists it's not me. She insists that's just the way Lori is... My mom says she answers the phone with that rude manner, as if she's about to bite your head off. I can understand that she's stressed, but geesh... Aren't we all?
And let's talk about equality... I know the world isn't fair. I know that no matter how much I strive for justice and equality, nothing is ever going to be on equal footing. While I believe that everyone should have the same computer system, the same access to all the utilities around the work place, and receive the same information as everyone else (i.e. all parties should receive new red books, not just the so called "elite", and all parties should be given access to every printer on "campus" and not just the old printers or fax machines because they are lower on the totem pole), it just doesn't seem to work that way in this world. Would I feel this way if I wasn't working for my dad's company? Would I feel this way if I were the low man on the totem pole at some other office working for men or women who aren't related to me? I don't know. I don't know if I would accept the lower status any easier or not. What I do know is that I've been struggling with attempting to get this office to update itself and it's taking longer than I hoped for.
I talked to Jenny about this the other day... and she says a lot of it is my age. People don't take younger adults so seriously. Plus, and today was a prime example, people assume I'm still in high school when they first meet me. I don't look a day over 18. I was at Walgreen's and some chick behind the counter asked me if I was ready for school to start, and I said I was out of school... and she said, "No way! When did you graduate? and from what high school?" And I said, "1996, Trinity." And she basically let her jaw hit the floor. She's the fourth person to do that this week to me.
Jenny also said that it's because I'm female. You know, growing up it wasn't so hard being female. Now it's frustrating. My dad is a traditionalist at heart and the way he favors men really pisses me off sometimes. And all the men his age or older? Oh my god! They are the exact same way. Talk about hindering female advancement in the work force and making sure the glass ceiling stays in place! Of course I don't know a thing about computers. I'm a female! Of course the only thing I'm good at is typing up letters and answering phones because I'm a female! Of course the only thing I know how to do is make a pot of coffee... because I'm female! Well, guess what. I've never made a pot of coffee in my life, and wouldn't know the first thing to do if you asked me to make one. I'd be driving down the street to that Mountain Espresso place and ordering a cup before knowing how to go about making some pot of that disgusting drink. I could go on and on and on. I mean, there are SO many things that these men assume I don't know just because I'm female. And I'm beginning to realize... slowly... exactly why I was submissive and passive growing up. I was raised to be. And now that I'm coming out of this cloud and fighting for myself to be on equal terms with these men and older women... I'm having one hell of a time making a dent in the system.
Well, I'm off to talk to 'yan on the phone. I'll type up some more later.
Chow chow!
