10:31 PM - Friday, Jul. 16, 2004
If I can stop one heart from breaking....
I wrote out an extremely long entry earlier for this page. When I went to save it, I lost all of it. I decided it was some form of fate telling me that those particular things I went on about were not meant to be heard or read by others. Therefore, I won't go into detail about some of the things I've been thinking about lately, and I won't relay what I've experienced over the last 24 hours.
I will say this, however:
I've been doing a lot of thinking this week. That's not rare for me, seeing that I've always been a deep thinker. However, what I've thought about this week is in relation to some of the things people from my past have brought to my attention. After reading the letter from Chris and also reading Davy's journal entry, I've thought a lot about the men who have come into my life over the years. So many of them have been wonderful friends to me, opening up to me and sharing themselves completely. And not only that, but they've put up with my ego still finding me to be a person worth knowing and befriending. I love all of them in a different way, a special way.
Chris and Davy are both extremely special to me. In the past, and at different times in the past, both of them had deep intimate feelings for me. However, at the time, I couldn't return that kind of love to them. I look back on how our significant relationships developed, and it saddens me today knowing that I couldn't romantically love two very unique and special men, men who would have made me a very happy woman. And while it saddens me that I wasn't emotionally mature enough to see something wonderful in front of me at the time, I can't allow myself to regret the outcome of this existence. The only reason I say this is because, had I ended up with Chris, his beautiful baby boy would never have been given life. If I had ended up with Davy, I have a strange feeling he would not be as emotionally strong and independent as he's become over the last six years. And I doubt I'd be where I am today mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I hate to say such things, as if these sort of words are harsh; but I have a feeling that both Davy and Chris would agree with me.
I do know that every moment I spent with both of them was not a wasted moment. I loved being around them, sharing myself with them, and learning all the things they wished to share with me. There are special experiences I remember that I sometimes look back on and smile about. I miss them both terribly for different reasons, and I will always have a place somewhere deep inside of me that's reserved especially for them.
When Davy compares himself to the men I did end up being romantically involved with, he finds similarities between him and those men. This leads him to question, "why him and not me?" When I list off the things I want in a man, he thinks, "She's describing me. I'm all of those things. So why couldn't she love me the way I loved her?" How can I answer that? I'm not the same woman I was years ago. I swear I existed in a fog, as if I had a veil over my eyes for 25 years. I can't even begin to understand the old me and why I did what I did, why I felt the way I felt. I am so detached from that woman. I see every memory of back then from a distorted perception, as if it all happened to someone else... as if it was all happening on a movie screen and I was the only one allowed to witness every possible moment of that person's life.
Looking back, I know now that the people I cared the most about, I kept detached. I let them take me in and absorb me completely, but when I started to absorb them I pushed them away. And the more I felt for them inside, the harder I pushed to make them keep their distance. Mentally I knew that if I let them in 100% and allowed them to experience an emotional relationship with me, I would eventually make them emotionally tired and lose them completely. I knew that if I kept them at bay, but allowed them to venture close to the shore, I'd be able to keep them in my life forever. Our friendship would last, and I wouldn't lose them. I know back then I feared losing people, especially the people I loved. And while it may sound like an excuse to some, it's not. It's the truth. It's the way it was, and it's in the past. I can't change it. I can only learn from it, accept it, and move on.
To answer that question today if the situation were to be dealt with today? I'd say, "Davy, you're in Canada. I'm in Kansas. You wouldn't give up Toronto or your family and friends to move to the states, just as I wouldn't give up my family and friends to move to the providences. Maybe it would be different if we were in love with each other. I'm willing to sacrifice all of this for the man I fall in love with; but you know as well as I do that a love can only flourish in person. A love can only reach its truest depth when two people can combine all the elements that go into creating that love. For two people to take on a love so rare and beautiful long distance is an extremely hard path to choose. Have neither of us learned that with our past experiences? Being apart from the one you love adds emotional strain to the relationship, and I don't want to put you or myself through such emotional hardship. I love you too much to ask so much of you. If ever in the future we meet face to face, and we both become lost in our own little world, I promise to you... I swear to you... that I will do anything and everything in my power to hold onto you and never let go." Those are the words I would say to Davy if he were to ask me today, "why him and not me?"
It's sad to say, but at the beginning of the year I wouldn't have said that. It's why I jumped so quickly into another long distance relationship and didn't pay attention to the circumstances. I hadn't yet learned my lesson from all those past long distance relationships. That's why I was doomed to repeat the process, and destined to fail at it all over again. I had convinced myself that it was going to work because I wanted it too. I wanted it to work because I wanted a deep emotional relationship that would bring to me ultimate happiness, a large loving family, and a comfortable life. What I forgot to take into consideration was that it takes two to want the same thing, it takes two strong individuals to be able to handle the pressures of a long distance relationship, and it takes two people to make it work so that it becomes more than just a long distance relationship but a relationship in the physical. I had it in me. The man I chose to be partners with did not. Do I blame him for the relationship not working? Do I blame the long distance? No. I blame nobody. I blame nothing. In other words, it is the way it is and that's how its going to be.
As for the present and the future? I honestly can say that I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone. I can honestly say that I don't even want to date. I have this strong desire to be alone. My society pressures me that in order to be happy I have to be half of a duo. Well, I'm ready to tell society to just piss off. I've been flirted with by two very good looking men in the last 24 hours. This offered me the opportunities to date them and possibly become more to them. My Grandma even told me to lighten up and live a little by asking one of those men out myself. But, seriously... I just want to be left alone.
I know my past has a lot to do with this. I have issues to deal with that I must face on my own in my own time. If it takes the next 40 or 50 years, its okay. I'll give myself that time. My alone time. I have a sexually abusive history that I need to conquer, and I can't do that by always falling into the same patterns and not learning from them. I can't do that by jumping from one man to the next and depending on them to make everything better. I don't need that anymore. I don't want that anymore.
I don't want to feel pressured to be in a relationship. I don't want to find myself dating someone just to have somebody at my side. I don't want to end up in a relationship with someone that risks the possibility of not meaning as much to the man as it does to me. I don't want to tie up all my energy into the emotions I develop for the man. I don't even want to feel the pressure of having to be sexual with that man in any true sense of the word - even if I'm the one who desires to give myself to him. I don't want to have sex. I don't even want to masturbate.
In other words, I'm not ready to share my life with someone else. I honestly don't know if I ever will be. I do know that when (and if) I'm ready, the man I'm meant to be with will enter into my life and we'll build a life together, not just sharing a passing moment in time. I do have faith and hope in that. And with that faith and hope, I have my future to look forward too, and the present to experience.
