9:18 PM - Thursday, Jun. 17, 2004
Make it ALL go away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, I just got back from G&G's house. We haven't really decided what to name the two kittens yet. It's kind of hard coming up with names everybody likes.
I was out on their deck for awhile this evening with both of them and my mother. Earlier, Joe and I were out in the yard feeding some of the ducks that live around and in the pond out there. One mommy duck has 3 babies, another one has four, and another one has five. They were so adorable and cute. I wanted to melt at the sight of them.
My mom and I went and had dinner at Chipotle's tonight. I was in a down mood ever since I called David to tell him the good news about the sex of my future niece, and I think she could tell because she asked me about him. I told her about how he said I was too emotionally dependent upon him and she started to laugh. Especially since I quipped, "That's a bunch of bullshit if I ever did hear any. I'm used to being alone. I don't need to be with somebody to be happy." She thinks it's very odd that he suddenly decided to pull back when I said I wouldn't go out to Denver until after he came here first and met my parents. She thinks he's hiding something and that the reasons he gave me for not being with me aren't substantial enough. My family is completely being supportive of me right now, which is so strange to me... because who would have thought they'd help me through something as pathetically stupid as this? And it is pathetically stupid.. but I couldn't help but get sad when David kept asking me how I was. I told him I was okay. Couldn't he have left it at that? And he said he was "awesome." Well, whoopty-doo! Good for you! I'm fucking glad you're awesome. Well, I've got news for you, buddy. I'm NOT so fucking awesome. In fact, I feel like shit!!!!!!!!!! But then again, I'm obviously the one who developed bona-fide feelings in this relationship so yeah.. I'm more apt to feel rejected and hurt by the whole god damn thing. You go right ahead and pull away and detach yourself from me. Just be like everybody else in my life. See if I fucking care!!!!!!
And then he had the audacity to say, "I've been thinking about you. I'm glad you called." Well, if he had been thinking about me, then why hasn't he called me up? Well?? Somebody tell me why not!
The other day, I wrote this but I never sent it:
Well, I've definitely gone through the emotions of a break-up here. I'm now at the stage of acceptance, except part of me is angry and the other part of me is just down right sick to my stomach. I am mad that I cared too much. I am mad that you didn't care enough. I am mad that I'm sitting here analyzing this entire thing, and even more angry that you're probably not even thinking a thing about it. I'm pissed off that we even talked to each other for those three months, and that I developed stronger feelings to the point that I'm hurt. I am HURT over this entire thing, and I hate that you still affect me. And you can say that it's my own fault for dreaming and hoping too much, but I feel like you partially led me on making it your fault as well. And I wish that I could say that I hate you, but I can't. It wouldn't be so bad, this whole break-up thing, if it wasn't for the fact that I feel like you're the one in complete control of the situation and I have very little say. Even now I feel like my voice isn't getting heard, and that is what makes me sick to my stomach. I can't even speak to you on the phone and say my piece of mind because you won't even pick up your phone to answer my calls and hear me out. You're a good guy, David... but you sure can be a fucking asshole. Part of me wants to tell you to go rot in hell, and the other part of me wishes you the best of luck. You can choose which side you want to listen too on that one. It's not like you're even reading this e-mail anyhow.
And to have him go off and be all nice and questionable to me today? I just wanted to leave a damn message on his voice mail and instead I get emotional and fall back into a downer of a slump here. I fucking hate this! I fucking hate what has happened here. I thought I was strong but now I don't think I am because that man just makes me burst into tears. It didn't help matters to hear that he was all happy and better off without me while I'm obviously upset and sad and not very well off at all. And that may be very immature and selfish of me, but right now I don't give a shit. I'm just so tired of all of this. I think it's because he pretends to care when deep down I feel that he never did. And I think that is what hurts me so fucking much. The fact that I actually cared and can't pull away as easily as he obviously can.
The only other one to ever affect me this bad was Casey... but he at least gave me closure before we were friends again.
And every fucking man I meet here or in the chatroom... all they want is sex this and sex that. And I'm sick of sex. I'm sick of men just wanting sex from me. I'm sick of them not taking "no" for an answer or not listening to me when I tell them that in no way is the conversation or whatever going to turn sexual. The conversations always seem good, but then the damn man goes off and starts to touch himself and expect me to get him off. I don't want to get him off. I don't want to get off either. I don't want to have anything to do with any of them sexually! They are only making me more apt to become a nun or a lesbian every single fucking day. And I'm sick of developing feelings for anybody when in the end they're just going to hurt me like every damn other person does. And it seems once I get to moving on with my fucking pathetic life and get over the loss of a friend or guy or whatever... another one comes along and does the same damn thing to me. And I'm sick of it.
Somebody tell me what is so fucking wrong with me?????????
I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF THIS LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
but I'm so fucking sick of myself most of all. I just want to get away from myself for awhile. I just want it all to go away. I just want it all to end right here and right now.
