I went to the movies on Friday night to see The Bourne Supremacy. While it wasn't as good to me as The Bourne Identity, it was still worth the $7 I spent to see it. It helps that I love the way Matt Damon looks when he's kicking ass.

I slept in really late on Saturday. When I woke up, I went straight to work on cleaning my house (something I haven't done all month, but usually do once a week). It needed it. I even took all my clothes out of the closet and reorganized them. I am so anal retentive!

After I did all of that, I decided to check my e-mail. Lo' and behold! David actually responded to my e-mail. He said everything was okey dokey, so that makes me feel a bit better. Now, to just quit obsessing over him. How does one get somebody off their mind? I am talking to the point where you don't even think about them except maybe after six months and only because somebody mentions them or something. How did I quit thinking about Casey so much when he did the same exact thing to me? Was Cory really that helpful in helping me forget? Is that what I need to do? Find some guy friend to take my mind off things? I'm over the relationship, so why am I still bitter and sorta missing him?

I woke up this morning about 5:30 with another pounding headache. This time I can't blame it on my glasses. I was asleep for a good 5 hours before this headache hit. I still need to go get a new pair of glasses. I am tired of squinting at people or the things they show me. I wonder if the headaches are stress related. I don't know what I'd be stressed about; but my blood pressure was 118/64 the last time I went to the doctor, and that's pretty high for me.

Let's see... could it be work? Let me think here. For the most part, the only thing that bothers me at work anymore is the constant ringing of the telephone. It would be super nice if everyone had their own telephone number that people could call direct instead of bothering me every ten seconds.

As for the two major peons? My dad told D. to start being nice to me, and for the most part she's ignored me as if I don't exist. Which is very nice indeed because when she did try to communicate with me, I couldn't understand her. I always thought there was something wrong with me, but it turns out the only people who can communicate with her are... well, G. That's really about it.

Oh, that is sooooooo gross. My cat just threw up all over the carpet here. Now she's trying to clean it up as if it's her litter. I'll continue with this in a moment. It's a good thing I still have all those pet cleaning supplies left over from when Tacey was sick. This here is Ashley's furballs. Eeeeeeeeeeew! Poor kitty!

Now back to work. Of course, Erin can't hang out with me anymore outside of the office or she and the other interns get the wrath of D. I think it's highly immature of D. to even give people shit just for going to lunch with the boss's daughter.

Oh well. I think I'm meant to live a lonely existence. If I could figure out what I wanted to do with my life, if I could find out what my skills are and what I'm good at, I would search for a job that's not family oriented and would provide me mental stimulation. I'm just afraid that I don't have any skills, and that I'll have to move to the big city ALONE to find that job.

On the plus side, it would get me away from G. He hasn't come close to me these days, but then everytime he ventures near, I make it a point to turn my office chair in such a way that my backs towards him. I'm in no mood to have a stinking old fat and balding man standing so close to me our shoulders rub. Eeeew. Eeew. Eeew!

I was sifting through my poetry the other day, and so much of it is depressing. I used to love sharing my works with people, but now I don't want too. I don't want people to know about my past anymore. I'm not ashamed of it, but I'm tired of it controlling so much of my present. There are things I can't help because of it, though, and I have to live with that. When these fears strike me, I am constantly reminded of things I'd much rather forget. Like, I still have a fear of being out alone in the dark. I won't let myself drink so much that I lose control of my actions anymore. I fear that one day I will drink too much and it will happen again. Just the small things... things I can keep from fearing by not drinking or adventuring out late at night.

Sometimes I wonder how I would react if, by a strange random occurance, BTK broke into my house and wanted to bind, torture and kill me. Would I go completely numb because I've been through some aspect of this act before? Would I wet my bed or my pants in fear? Would I begin to cry and start to beg for my life? Would I be bold enough to shout at him and tell him to go ahead and take my life because I've been looking for a way out for a very long time? Would I fight for my life, or would I simply let him take it? A part of me sees my heart skipping a beat in fear, and as the adrenaline rushes through my body... I can see myself screaming at him because men like that totally piss me off. I can see myself saying something like, "I had a feeling you were going to pick me, you asshole. So what's it like getting your kicks off by playing the dominant character in this little game of yours?" My fear would turn into anger, just as my disgust in G.'s actions at the office have turned into some form of hate. Oh, the strange and complex things I think about...

On to the last thing on my mind today... As I was tossing and turning in bed this morning, I had some random thoughts coursing through this brain of mine. I wondered why fate dealt me the introvert card, while the other 5 members of my immediate family were given the extrovert card. How much easier would my life be if I were extroverted like them? I thought about how I prefer to stay at home, even if it's alone, instead of going out. Not that I don't like going out... I do. But I'm a homebody. I prefer to stay home. Except when it comes to going on vacations.... Only then do I love going away for a long period of time.

I thought about how easily my family makes friends with strangers, how they seem to know everyone in the world, while I struggle just to maintain a conversation with their friends who are only being polite to me because I'm their family member. I thought about how they know exactly what they want out of life and they go after it, how they seem to have so many interests and hobbies that they partake in, while I sit around wondering what in the world I want to do with my life and what would be a fun hobby to get into. And I wish I didn't fear new situations so much so I could go partake in some hobby or something. And I wish I knew how to make friends with random strangers so that I know them for life instead of just for a fleeting moment in time. I need some friends here with some common interests. In the past, people latched onto me. In the past, they grabbed me and said, "you're my friend." And they were my friend until it was time to move on from that stage in life. All I really have right now is long distant friends, and my siblings. And while they make some great friends, it's just not the same. I wish some outgoing person would latch onto me again as they've always done in the past. I need a good friend that's here in the physical sense.

And the thoughts go on and on.... I'm constantly comparing myself to the people who are the closest to me in the world. And like Angie said the other day, "You're the only one whose shy." So I wonder why... I've accepted myself for who I am, but that doesn't stop me from wondering why. And I'm not sure how going off on it in here is really helping matters, either. Oh well. So it goes.

I'm off to figure out what I love to do besides reading, writing, cleaning, playing video games, and shopping. I wonder how much a good camera costs. I think I'll go research that.

Adios mi amigos.

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