1:06 PM - Monday, Jul. 26, 2004
I honestly don't know
I called in sick today. I woke up this morning with the worst headache known to mankind, and an earache far worse than I've ever experienced before. Every single time I turned my head, I felt like my head was going to explode, or my ears were going to pop and I would end up deaf for life or something. It was intensely painful.
I was lazy yesterday. I think I went through a whole box of goldfish. Those things are as addicting as Doritos. Anyhow, Casey called me sometime in the afternoon. He said he hadn't been calling the last couple of days because he bought an X-Box and was addicted to it. He tried to call me twice last night when I was on the phone with Ryan, but I was either too lazy or something that I didn't click over to say, "hey... I'm on the other line. Call me back later or something." We were supposed to discuss plans for him visiting me over his winter break this year. I hope he doesn't think I was blowing him off, because I wasn't. I just think it's rude to click over to the other line when somebody you like talking too called you to begin with.
I talked to Nic yesterday, too. We had another really good conversation. We can sit there and talk about nothing for hours and it feels comfortable and good. I always look forward to his weekly phone call. Last week, he couldn't get a hold of me, and it felt really odd not having spoken to him for over a week. I guess you can say I missed hearing from him, even though it was really the fault of bad timing, and not his lack of attempt to get a hold of me.
That's what I like about Nic and Ryan and Casey... we can sit on the phone for hours and bullshit about nothing. I know I'd get along great with the three of them in person. Casey and I would sit for hours in front of the computer or TV screen playing video games and being completely dorky. We'd probably see who could come up with the most dorkiest 80s songs known to mankind. As for Nic... I would have to fend off his advancements because I know he'd be trying to woo me. And of course I'd spend the time teasing him seeing how far I could push him. I think he likes being pushed. And we'd probably sit around being all dorky just lounging on the couch talking about nothing in particular while trying to figure out what exactly to do with our time. And good ol' Ryan? Well, that's easy. We'd probably rent the American Pie movies or the Austin Powers movies and watch them together. And he'd freaking tease me about being a blonde, and I'd take those as fighting words and have to come back with something good to defend myself with. As Ryan would say, It would be "good times."
Cory tried to call last night too. I had left him a message earlier in the day, and said something like, "knowing you, you won't get back with me until 2:30 in the morning...." But believe it or not, he called about 11:30 when I was on the line with Ryan. He never did try to call back last night. He probably a) went out with his friends and got a bit drunk only to come home and crash because he possibly had an early morning today, or b) went out with his friends, got a bit drunk, then got it on with one of his fuck buddies who more than likely spent the night with him and didn't go home until about 10 AM or something. He was probably calling me at 11:30 to tell me he had just gotten off work and was about to go out with his friends, anyway. That's one reason I didn't click over. Why end a good phone conversation with one of my best buddies only to be told, "I just wanted to call and tell you I'm going out tonight. I'll probably be out pretty late, so you might as well go to bed and I'll talk to you tomorrow night." In which, tomorrow night comes and he doesn't call. And then Tuesday comes around and he calls me while I'm at work, but keeps the conversation going only long enough for me to hear him get off. And then he says, "I'll talk to you in the next couple of days."
Sometimes I wonder about this friendship with Cory. It's very sexually stimulating, but what else is there to it? It took him a year and a half to learn that I collect postcards, and the only reason he found out about that was because David sent me one from New Mexico... and he was on the phone with me when I was getting my mail out of the box. I found that kind of odd, because I thought everybody knew I collected postcards.
And the other day when I was talking to him about Casey and how he and I listen to goofy 80s music, it made me realize I'm never goofy with Cory. Cory was all like, "I like goofy 80s music." Which is something I never knew about him, and that made me realize that perhaps I only know a fraction of Cory and he only knows a fraction of me. We don't have any shared moments like that. There's only one time that we sat on the phone together and watched parts of a movie before Cory said he was tired and was going to sleep, but other than that... it's been random conversations here and there mostly relating to personal issues and sex.
I think that's why I miss David sometimes. We watched movies together, did crossword puzzles together, listened to goofy and serious music together.... and I actually sang over the telephone along with the goofy music. Something I seldom ever do because I'm tone deaf. You know I'm comfortable with you when I can be goofy and say off the wall things... and randomly burst into song just to be a dork. And while I'm comfortable with people when I'm being the serious me, it's not the same. I can listen like the best of them, offer advice to those seeking advice, and take things as they come while hiding my geeky self. Yes, I am a geek. I'm a complex dork. I admit it. Anyhow, the real me... the one I enjoy the most... is the me that's flirty and funny and goofy and not afraid to be dorky. The one that hums while walking down the aisles in the grocery store, who sometimes can't help but sing and dance with the music over the speakers in shopping centers, the one who jokes and teases and makes others laugh when in conversation. I don't hate being the serious me, but I tire of her quickly.
Cory's rarely.. if ever.. experienced my goofy side. I think it's because we've based our entire friendship on a serious sexual intensity. I don't even know if he would even want to meet the goofy side of me, if he would even like her. If he would ever be goofy back.... And as much as I hate to admit it, if we never share a goofy experience together, I know he's not the one for me. He'll still be one of my soulmates. There's no question there. And he'll always ALWAYS be a part of my life and a friend forever... but....
Well, how do I put this? When it comes to Cory, I try not to have expectations. We started out as friends who enjoyed having sex together. Somewhere along the way, emotions developed and an intimacy was formed. And somewhere in the back of my mind, while I try very hard to always just see our relationship as one based on a close intimate friendship, there's always been a small part of me that has held onto some hope that maybe... just maybe... we are fated to be together as more than just two friends. And, while I know those hopes can only be answered in person - and definitely lead to some form of expectation - I know deep down inside of me that I'm meant to be with somebody who can be both serious and goofy. I'm meant to be with someone who can not only make me cry, but can make me laugh, who can make me desire them when they're being strong, or when they're showing their weak side. I could go on with that list, but I won't. I'll end it there for now.
Anyhow, I want to be respected. I want someone to always call when they say they're going to call (and if they can't call or they forget to call, they let me know as soon as possible why they couldn't or can't). And I'm not talking about just in a relationship, but in friendship, too. I don't deserve to be led on a string by the men I get involved with or by any of my friends. And I don't want to be someone they only call up for a few minutes at a time, no matter how busy their schedule is. If they're going to make the effort to call, they might as well do it when they have time to talk for awhile, and do it because they want to talk to me. Not because they want me to help get them off, or they want to help out my sex drive... or they want to say something like, "I'm just checking in. I'll call you in a few days."
I have some wonderful friends whom I love talking too on the phone. And they don't call me just to hold a conversation for ten or twenty minutes. They actually call me to spend time talking to me because they want to talk to me. They want to be goofy with me. They want to just goof around and watch random shows on TV or surf the internet together... or even download cheesey music. I like them. I like spending time with them in that way. And sometimes a part of me wishes just once Cory would want the same thing. Just once, Cory would call for an hour or two just to watch old movies on TV or talk about goofy things, or play games like the 5 degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon.
But, then again, maybe he's not like that. Maybe he's not into being goofy or cheesey. Maybe he doesn't know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop, or how I eat my Reeses Peanut Butter Cup, or where his milk mustache is. Maybe he's not into going to the Toy Store and playing around with the toys just to be a kid again. Maybe he doesn't like to run around in the rain singing show tunes. Maybe he doesn't want to travel first class to Europe and lose himself in the city of Paris or London for an entire week. Maybe he's not into drinking hot chocolate with whipped cream on top in a corner cafe while watching the people walk by and wondering what kind of sex lives they lead. Maybe he doesn't like sitting in a coffee shop or a bookstore browsing through numerous books, and just hanging out there for an entire afternoon.
I don't know. These are things I don't know about him. These are things I doubt he knows about me. And that really kind of saddens me, because a man can come into my life for only three months and know all these things about me... but he, who has been in my life for a little over 2 years, doesn't.
Well, if he reads this page, he does now. Should I find consolation in that? I don't know.
I honestly don't know.
