8:52 AM - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
He wakes me in the mornings.....
I felt like I was on speed all day yesterday. Granted, I've never taken speed before so I'm not sure if the feeling was accurate. But, no matter how much work I get done during the day, I still can't seem to get caught up completely. There's always a pile of work waiting for me, taunting me, teasing me with its presence. Sure, I could be doing some of the work right now instead of writing in this journal blog thingy, but I'm not fully awake yet.
It took me ages to crawl out of bed this morning. When I finally got the strength to shove myself out from underneath the covers, I realized it was trash day. I had to scurry around the home collecting trash from all the trash collecting locations and get the bin outside. Once that was done, I had to force myself into some work efficient clothing, pop my ten million morning pills, trip over the cat who thinks she's my third leg or something, feed her the treats she gets every morning, grab some food to digest my pills with, and race out the door in hopes that I don't take off my garage door in the process.
My throat felt sore this morning. I can't tell if its allergies, the left over raw feeling from forcing myself to throw-up something that wasn't agreeing with my stomach, or if I am catching a cold. I read in Nic's journal that he's got the flu... so maybe something is just out there travelling about and I've caught it from lack of sleep.
I feel sick to my stomach. I want my mommy! Waa! Waa! Waa!
I went into the chatroom last night and talked for a little bit with some people. Everything on TV was a rerun, and I needed a break from reading my book. Which is a really good book, so far. I'm trying to figure out if the little girl is being molested. I think she is. I'll have to ask my sister Jenny. She lent me the book. I can't remember the title right now, and I'm too lazy to lean over and grab it out of my bag to check it.
After awhile, I grew tired of chatting and started playing Spider Solitaire. While I was doing that, I was also in the middle of updating my homepage: Jessica Nichole.
Casey called last night. He took me back to the 80s and 70s with the songs on his computer. I remembered most of them, but there were a few I couldn't place. I just know that I need to remember some of them so I can get the song for myself. After we got done going through his MP3s, we played The Six Degrees of Separation from Kevin Bacon or whatever that's called. We literally found out that we're not that far from being separated from him. You see, Kevin Bacon had a bit role in Animal House with John Belushi. From John Belushi, I can go two different ways. 1. John Belushi played high school football against my Dad. I'm my dad's daughter. - or - 2. John Belushi is the brother of Jim Belushi. Jim Belushi was married for a few years to the daughter of my dad's business partner. My dad's business partner is one of my good buddies. And I know Casey. There's our degree of separation to Kevin Bacon. You see, Kevin Bacon is connected to EVERYONE!
Yesterday, Cory called me while I was at work. I got his message about an hour after he called. Normally I would have returned the call the moment I saw he called, but not this time. I didn't even call him later that night. So about 2:30 or 3:00 AM, I get woken up by him. (This is probably why I struggled to get out of bed this morning and still can't see straight.) We talked for awhile. He said he knew I was mad at him when I didn't call him back. We discussed things, and I had to admit that a part of me was angry... but mostly I was disappointed in the fact that he'd gone and had sex with some other woman last week. I told him that it felt as if it didn't mean as much to him as it did to me.
Our conversation began mostly with him mentioning that I had other emotional attachments that were evident in these journal writings. Of course, I was half asleep when he was saying this, so I'm not exactly certain what I said in response. I do remember saying, "Who? David? I was emotionally attached to him but I'm over that now." And he mentioned a few others, said something like, "I know you have a lot of male friends..." In which I said something like, "yes, and that's what the majority of the men are. Friends." And then I also remember saying something like, "Once a guy I'm going out with hurts me once, it's over between me and him. I'll be his friend, but nothing more. I won't ever let him hurt me again." He mentioned Casey.. how I had mentioned that I missed him, and I said something like, "Yes, I do miss him. He makes me laugh."
I said something along the lines about how I'm probably at a different point in my life than the point Cory's at. I'm ready to settle down with somebody. I don't want to sleep around anymore. I don't want to do it with random people just to do it. I don't want to even go into the chatroom anymore and discuss sex with people. And then I also made sure to mention that I'm not going to settle down just yet. I'm going to be single for awhile. All my life I've either had a boyfriend or a male friend to take care of me. I wanted a break from that, from any emotional attachment. But then we got to talking about us again...
Cory said that it's strange how connected we are, how the probability of a cosmic force being at work here is high between us considering how attached we are to one another. He also brought home a fact I knew deep down but hadn't acknowledged at face value. When he meets women in Minnesota, he's looking for me in them. When I meet men here in Kansas or on the internet, I'm looking for him in them. And while we're able to find people who have bits and pieces of what we enjoy about each other in them, they aren't us.
And that made me think for a moment about the truth in that statement... how I was all into Cory right before Valentine's Day... how Cory was going through a personal crisis which ultimately caused him to push away from people like me for awhile... how I was dealing with issues from my past and didn't have Cory around to be what he's been to me for 18 months now... so I gave up on Cory, feeling that we'd never be more than two people crossing paths and becoming friends for life. So I opened myself up to other opportunities, but I was vulnerable and searching for somebody exactly like him. I even mention that in this journal somewhere... how if I can't have Cory, I want somebody just like him because we are so compatible. And what would happen only minutes after writing that exact entry? I ran into someone so similar to Cory that they were even born during the same month of the same year only days apart from each other. They even grew up near each other.
And as much as I'd hate to admit it, I think that's why I attached myself to David so quickly and didn't even think twice about it. David has his differences, of course... Differences that I find appealing and admire about him. He was a good thing when he happened into my life. He was a listener when I needed an ear; an advice giver when I needed advice; a cheerleader when I needed support; and a friend when I needed a friend. He made me fall back in love with music, doing crossword puzzles, and watching old movies. He helped me realize something I already knew deep down but couldn't believe due to my past experiences: that a relationship doesn't have to revolve around sex, and that I'm worth waiting for. (And because of this new found knowledge, I figured that since I'm worth waiting for... I guess I assumed Cory would think so too, and he would have waited with me. I think that's what disappointed me the most.)
I have to agree with another point Cory made in the wee hours of the morning... he said that it hurts so much because I care. And I do care, probably more than I'm willing to admit.
I wrote this before I began this entry, but then my mind went into a different state so I couldn't complete it or anything. Perhaps later?
He wakes me in the mornings,
with his word's like a passionate kiss
full of yearning and desire
as his needs escape between his lips.
Yes... I think I'll finish that later. For now, it's time to get to work.
