11:25 AM - Saturday, Apr. 02, 2005
Sometimes I feel down.
I have had quite an eventful week, and while there is so much for me to say right now, I don't feel like I have the energy to say it all.
Maybe I'm depressed. I don't know.
I do know that ever since Ashley died, I haven't been the same. Last night Cory mentioned this. And while he's a cat lover, he thinks I've focused too much on the death of my cat as well as the newness of my two new companions. Basically he was saying in not so many words that Ashley was "just a cat" and that there should be more to my life than the cats that exist in my life.
What I didn't tell him, and what I wanted to tell him was this. Yes, Ashley was just a cat. But she was also my companion. She greeted me at the door whenever I came home. She slept with me. She had me play with her. She spent time in the office with me while I was working. She waited for me to come out of the shower when I was in the bathroom. She followed me everywhere. She comforted me when I was sad. She listened to my problems without meowing back. And so on and so on. It was like losing my mate to a point. I still miss her, and I can't help that fact. I'm still bothered by the way she died.
Yes, Haley and Comet are just cats. BUT they have brought a lot of peace and affection into my house. They amuse me. They entertain me with how goofy and playful they are. They sleep with me. They nuzzle up into me. They need me just as much as I need them.
And while my life may have been focusing highly upon my cats, I'm not going to see them as "just cats" but as my family.
Perhaps I'm a lot more alone than people assume I am.
Plus, it was easier to talk about the cats than to go on and on about work and my problems there, the move from the old building into the new building, all my frustrations with the male gender, my grandpa being in the hospital... Those things I wanted to keep to myself. I didn't feel like discussing them. They were overwhelming at the time, and my cats offered me an escape from the day to day routine.
Did I tell him any of this? Of course not. I didn't feel like it. It seemed like too much energy, and all I really wanted to do was curl up and read a book. Not drone on and on about the reasons as to why I've focused on my cats lately.
As for the happenings at work?
Well, I was a bit too emotional on Thursday. Had a fight with the brother-in-law. He fired me basically so I went home and went back to sleep. I unplugged all my phones for the entire day and night. And when Brian tried to come by later that evening to clear the air, I ignored the fact that he was even at the door.
I know. I know. Very immature behavior on my part. But I was NOT in the mood to deal with anyone. I'm still not.
I did call my dad later that night. He had returned from Texas that afternoon. He basically laughed and said I wasn't fired and that he would see me at the office in the morning. I didn't go into work until 11 something. I was too tired emotionally. But he understands that. He understands that my depression is not an excuse, that I have my ups and downs.. that I can't control my emotions half the time.. that at any moment I may suffer from an anxiety paranoia attack... that no matter how together I am one month, I could easily fall apart and lose everything the next. And it's not like I plan this or use it as an excuse. I don't. I don't choose to be all emotional and unhappy most of the time. I would much rather prefer being productive and happy... constantly getting things done and accomplishing stuff. But until you experience depression, anxiety, paranoia, stress... all those mental symptoms of chaos, you'll never understand anyone suffering from such things. As for my dad, he's the only one at the company that understands that because everybody else has no CLUE what-so-ever what I've been through, what I'm going through, what I might go through. And I'd like to keep it that way.
Anyhow, I am so tired, and it's cold in my house. I'm going to go curl up and read my book now, sleep through this last episode and hope that by Monday my emotions will be balanced back to normal again.
Oh, and hopefully tax season is almost over. Then I can get back to playing computer games and writing in my journal instead of spending all the time having to focus on everybody elses shit.
