8:33 PM - Sunday, Apr. 03, 2005
People keep repeatin' that you'll never fall in love.
I hate that it's daylight savings time. I mean, I already have enough problems waking up as it is. Now I have to get up an hour earlier. Yuck! I wonder how in the world people expect me to function with this time change.
I finished my Jodi Picoult book, Vanishing Acts. Excellent book. Now I have to wait an entire year for another one of her books to come out. I could always read one of the older ones, but I tend to remember the books so I'm never shocked into a good read. Instead, I think I'll begin reading Angels & Demons by Dan Brown.
I went over to my grandparents' house today. My Grandpa and I went to develop his film at Walgreen's, and then I pulled the weeds up out of their flower bed. I did that for mine yesterday, and I know they shouldn't be bending over and doing that kind of work at their age. It was real nice outside and I didn't mind doing the work. It was actually kind of fun. Kept me busy. Made the day go by faster.
I went down to their lake and took photos of the ducks with my new camera. Some guy was outside tossing a tennis ball into the lake and having his two dogs chase after it. His name was Josh and he was about my age. He was visiting his mother who lives down one house from my grandparents. Totally cute, and definitely the kind of guy you wouldn't mind settling down with. He, however, probably has a girlfriend.
Yes. I only attract black men, old men, or men who work at McDonald's. Life just isn't fair. Why aren't I attracting the men like my dad? And why do I even care or even wonder about such things?
My dad's cousin Donna and I talked on the phone with each other Friday. She told me she didn't get married until she was 30, divorced ten years later, and has been divorced for 31 years. My god. That doesn't seem right. She can't be 71. No way. She's got to be 61. Divorced for 21 years. I must have heard her wrong.
Anyhow, she told me not to worry about it, to not rush my life and jump into some relationship. She insisted I wait until I find the right guy, and that I better spend a lot of time with him before tying the knot so I am certain he is the right guy. Many people are telling me these things lately. Especially when they find out I'm still single and 27 years old. A lot of them say things like, "I wish I had waited until I was older before I settled down." I don't know if it's said to make me feel better, or if they actually mean the words.
I suppose when God is ready for me to settle down, it will happen.
Speaking of relationships, I had started this nice conversational type friendship with a person in the chatroom only to find out weeks later that he's got some girlfriend. It surprised me because, even though he has this girlfriend, it didn't stop him from flirting with me and leading me on.
I knew there was a reason I kept myself detached from allowing this "thing" to move forward any further.
I just don't trust people as much these days. Especially certain type of men.
Maybe I'm becoming a feminist.
Reasons as to why I think I should become a feminist:
- Men are starting to piss me off.
- I'm noticing more and more how unequal the business world is for women.
- The men I am surrounded by degrade the female body in dirty jokes and comments.
- A woman has to put up with sexual harrassment because her male bosses won't do jack shit about it.
The things that women should still have done for them:
- Men should continue to open up doors for women and seat them in restaurants.
- Men should offer women their seat on crowded buses, etc. unless the man is 70+ or handicapped and the woman is young enough to handle the ride better.
- Men should help women carry heavy loads and move heavy furniture, etc. because their bodies are made for such work while a woman's isn't.
You know... I think women should have it better in this world. What's sad is knowing that women have it so much better today than they did 20 years ago. It's odd to think how far women have come in such a short time span when you're my age, because you still want it to be even better. When my two nieces grow up, I hope they have it easier than my generation does in the work force. I want them to be given equal pay to that of a man's wages. I want them to not be afraid to speak up for their rights, to not be ashamed of their intelligence, and to not have to put up with the sexually explicit jokes and comments men are known to express when they form their little groups.
Everyday I see the way men at the office treat the women. I think the women work twice as hard as the men, yet all the men are on salary while the women are paid hourly. All the men are taken off to sporting events with my dad, or given the afternoon off to go play golf while the women are left behind to work. All the men are invited out to lunch while the women aren't. All the men ask the women to do their bidding as if we were placed on this earth to serve them. They get away with their comments and jokes because it's "a guy thing." I wonder how they would like it if we began making up jokes and throwing out comments degrading the male sex organs and bodies. How would they enjoy it if we discussed openly in front of them things about penis size and how they perform in bed. I doubt they'd like it. They'd probably try to fire me again if I opened up my mouth on the subject.
I admit I have an attitude problem at work. I don't always have this attitude problem, but I'm not going to put up with their chauvenistic viewpoints and the way they treat me.
I'm just as smart if not smarter than most of the men there. I have every right to voice my opinion as much as they do. Just because they're in their 40s and 50s doesn't mean they know any better.
And when it comes to Brian? Well, he has to learn that he can't treat me worse just because we're related by marriage. It took me two years to drill that fact home to my dad, and I'll be damned if it takes me another two to drill it into his head. What is he afraid of? He can flirt and kiss Lori's ass all he wants, but if he continues to treat her like queen bee, he's going to have a lot to answer too. Not only because he's my brother-in-law and shouldn't be socializing with the women below him like that, but because he's married to my sister and NOBODY hurts my sister.
Maybe I'm paranoid or a bit too dramatic, but I swear those two are just inches away from kissing and then getting their groove on. But then, I'm the only one around the office enough to see things unravelling. She's always touching him and flirting with him. Sure my parents and siblings say that some people are just flirty and that's just Lori's way.. BUT.. and I mean BUT here.. even flirty people don't canoodle with the V.P. like that unless they want to advance in the company. She tried canoodling with my dad like that and he didn't respond so now she's focusing on Brian. And where did it get her? She has been promoted. I wonder if they have slept together already! It wouldn't shock me one bit.
But then, if Brian did do that... which I trust him more than I do Lori... he'd be fired in a nano-second. I know my dad would not put up with such a thing. Lori and Brian would both be gone no matter how good of employees they are.
Damn, I'm pissy.
This life.. this family.. this job.. these emotions I suffer from for no reason other than that I come from a fucked up emotional family.. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it all.
I'm tired of the fact that no matter how much I sit down and doodle onto a piece of paper, I can't seem to create a poem for the life of me anymore. It's almost as if I'm afraid to pour myself out into prose or verse.
Even the pictures I draw into my book are fake. They're of flowers and rainbows and happy things... it's like... if I sat down and doodled sad things, I'd be admitting to myself that my life does truly suck, that this existence does SUCK, and that it's all my fault because I'm too lazy and too scared to do a damn thing about it.
Eventually I'm going to run out of things to say, things to do, and books to read. Eventually I won't have anything to occupy my mind and I'll have to wake up from this dream world I'm existing in and face reality.
Eventually.
