3:35 PM - Wednesday, Apr. 27, 2005
My brain is on vacation.
I've been busy!
Man, I have a kink in my wrist and I think a pinched nerve in my back and neck from sleeping wrong. Growl! I am in P*A*I*N right now.
I have a moment to think. Yay. And yet.. nothing comes to mind. Perhaps right now my brain has gone on vacation?
Well, let's see. What has gone on? I spoke to my brother Scott this morning. I'm going to be housing his vehicle in my garage while he's living in NYC. That means, I get to drive his SUV for a couple of years as if it were my own. Ha! Not a bad trade off for those winter months.
I just found out my cousin Jackie won't move to Wichita because of her boyfriend Chris. And yet... I just found out that Chris has another girlfriend that he rubs in Jackie's face. So basically, she's a free babysitter while he goes and dicks around on her. What an ass! His first girlfriend who had two kids by him ran off to Florida... then he had two kids with Jackie.. so Jackie's taking care of 4 of his children... and before Jackie gave birth to Tagen, he went and got some other chick pregnant. So basically this guy is running around using women and having children with them. He has 5 kids and does nothing to help them out but watch 4 of them while Jackie's at work.
What is with the women in my family and the loser men they attach themselves too? Okay. Okay. So it's basically only Jackie's boyfriend, her mother Janna's many husbands and boyfriends, and Jenny's first husband who are bastards. Then.. if you want to dig far enough into the past, you'll find that the men I've dated are mostly bastards too.
Perhaps one day I'll meet a nice guy who I'm attracted to that won't dick me around with excuses.. who is strong enough to stand on his own two feet and doesn't depend on me for his emotional needs... who believes in respect and keeping promises... who thinks of me as the only kind of candy in a store full of various types of candy. But one can only hope about these things. I mean... it's not like I'm desperate or anything. I just know that one day I would like to settle down with somebody with whom I could share my life with. I still don't think I'm ready to settle down completely, but maybe that's only because I haven't met the right guy.
I think about settling down a lot lately.. and I come up with excuses as to why I shouldn't be in a relationship. The main one is simply stupid. It's because I'm not ready to share my living space. I mean, my clothes take up my entire walk-in closet, two large dressers, and two night stand dressers. And I'm so particular. I mean, I want my living room a certain way. When a cup holder is out of place I put it back. If somebody throws the pillows on the ground, I put them back once they stand up or whatever. There is not a thing left out on the tables that shouldn't be there. The only thing you'll find settling down in certain spots is dust because I hate dusting all the time.. I have my own office that I like having as MINE... All the shelves are filled with my stuff. And the furniture is all mine and I love it all. I couldn't get rid of any of it... and the bathroom has to be kept clean with the toilet seats down. When guests come over and leave the toilet seats up, I put them down. I want them closed. Damn. I'm only 27 and I am already so set in my ways like a woman in her 60s or 70s.
And yes... when I do settle down with a man, I'm not only looking for a boyfriend in this next match. I'm looking for a life mate. Not that life is going to toss me my life mate in the next guy I go out with because anything could happen. I just know that I'm tired of jumping from one relationship to the next without feeling as if I've gained something from the time spent in the relationship. I want the relationship to have had a significant purpose in my life, and I want to leave it having gained something.
Perhaps I expect too much.
Perhaps....
Perhaps nothing.
Well, time to leave work. I have some kitty litter to buy! YAY!
