12:09 PM - Sunday, Aug. 28, 2005
true companion
Had a dream last night where I was married.. ironically to man named David. We were searching for a house to buy together.. and I found one while he was at work. For some reason it was an old school house that was like a mansion. I called him up on his cell to tell him that I found the perfect place for us to live. His first words out of his mouth were, "Not right now. It's not a good time." And since we were newly weds, I had to ask him, "well, before I let you go.. I was wondering. Whose house are we staying at tonight? Yours or mine?" And we got to talking and he didn't sound so stressed out by work anymore because I had the ability to calm him down.. so that by the end of the conversation, I was like "I love you." And he was like, "I love you." And I was like.. "See you when you get home. Bye." And he said "bye"... and then I dreamt that I was cooking him dinner and all I had to wear was a pair of sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt.. and I was humming while I was cooking this huge meal. I mean, come on. I was cooking! And we ate the meal and he thought it was fantastic.. and we wrapped ourselves around each other and stumbled into bed and made passionate love against my new satine sheets. And then my dear kitty Comet woke me up and I realized it was just a dream. SIGH!
Casey called me last night. He asked me why I wasn't returning his phone calls. I told him it was because I was busy with school and stuff. He said, "I figured you felt funny because of what I said the other night." There was a pregnant pause, and then I said, "Why would I feel funny because of that?" And he said, "I've been trying to call you and you don't return my phone calls. What do you expect me to think?" And I thought to myself.. my god. Here we go again. Then he said, "You need to hurry up and get out here." And I said, "I can't. I don't have any money." And he said, "is that just an excuse because you don't want to come see me?" And I got mad and said, "No. I seriously don't have any money. Plus, I have school."
It wasn't until I was lying in bed this morning that I realized he never offered to come out here. Why do men always expect me to spend my money to come visit them instead of vice-versa? Besides, I'm a female. They should do the initial travelling and meet me on my comfortable ground, damn it.
I almost wanted to tell him that it just wasn't going to work. He lives in Oregon. I live in Kansas. What do we have going for us? A bunch of late night conversations on the telephone? For me, that won't cut it anymore. I need more than that. I need physical contact. I need to be able to feel my legs wrapped firmly around a man's waist, my fingers running down the curve of his spine, my face buried into the groove of his neck while my teeth gently scrape his skin. I need to feel his weight on top of me. Imagining it no longer has its benefits. Maybe that's why my sex drive is on vacation? (excluding the time when I was able to listen to the most awesome Scottish brogue last weekend.)
Anyhow, I fear sometimes that I won't remember how to make love when it comes to that point in my life again. But then I figure it's like riding a bicycle and I just have to relax and let myself go with it. The more I ache to be touched like that, the more I think this life is some cruel joke where God is laughing down at me because he's keeping me confined to being alone.
I honestly don't think I'll meet my "one" at school anymore. They all seem too old or too young. Plus, with my shyness.... I don't have the personality to jump up and go speak to the hot guy that sits two seats down or whatever. And it's not like I'm going to jump into the college scene and start going to the bars and frat parties again. Been there. Done that. Don't need that again. I'm not looking for a one night stand anymore. I want more than that.
I wish God would just plant some man into my life and say, "Jessica, this is the one." And then he'll say to that one.. "Jessica is the one." And somehow it just feels right, and we fall into a comfortable pattern together where we challenge each other mentally, encourage each other, support each other... and at the end of the day know that we're going to come home to one another. So why is it that God can't do that one thing for me? Am I asking for too much? And do I sound desperate just going on about this?
I'm just tired. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of not feeling a man's touch. But most of all, I'm tired of feeling this need and ache inside of me to settle down into a relationship where one day we'll be popping out children and growing old together. And I know this time around it's not my parents or society pressuring me into it. It's an actual desire that I have.
Enough about that. I hear people drone on and on about this topic and it used to annoy the hell out of me.. and now I've turned into one of those people.
I talked to Ryan for awhile on the phone last night. He had me laughing so hard that I literally fell into a coughing fit. It was kind of embarrassing so I had to bury my face into my pillow and hack away. But then, I have to remind myself that Ryan's heard me burp, he's heard me pee into the toilet (not that I'd be peeing anywhere else), he's heard me yawn, squeal, laugh, cough, hack up a lung, blow my nose, sneeze... and who knows whatever else on the phone with him. So why was I embarrassed that I lost my breath and couldn't catch it after having a coughing fit over the fact that if we were Jell-o... he'd be the Jell and I'd be
the "Oooooh." ????? Or was it the Kool-Aid comment? If we were Kool-Aid.. he'd be Kool and I'd be Aid... and he said I better hope an "S" is not added to the end of Aid or else I'd be Aids.
Or something like that.
Does anybody know when The Sims 2 Night life expansion pack is coming out?
