10:17 PM - Thursday, Sept. 22, 2005
To hell with this...
I can feel my hair hanging down my back now. I haven't had it this long since... well... since I was a Freshman in college. I love it long.
I talked to Lee on the phone today. After my early morning phone conversation with Cory, I had an urge to call him. I said, "Lee, come and get me. Take me away from here." He said he would if he had the money. I wonder... if he had the money and he showed up on my doorstep.. said, "Let's go." Well.. would I?
I have done a lot of thinking in the last couple of hours. I realized something that I probably have known all along but just didn't grasp yet. It's ironic when you finally realize a truth about a situation because it doesn't seem to change anything on the outside. It only seems to change the way things feel on the inside.
I don't consider myself a fool for hoping. I don't question myself about things I could only see from one perspective at the time. I just... feel extremely calm inside.. yet also strange.
Why? Well, let's just put it this way... in some strange sort of way I'm suddenly free. Not that I wasn't free to begin with, of course. I guess you can say I'm emotionally free.
When you find out that one of your best friends hides something from you to keep you from hurting... when you realize you put yourself in the position to be hurt... when you expect too much or don't expect enough... when you figure out that life isn't going to go as you hope or plan... what's left? To reach deep inside yourself and find that dark corner most people are afraid to visit? To accept yourself for all your faults and dark thoughts and deep feelings? To pick up and move forward because that's the only option you really have...
Where am I going with all of this? I don't know. I'm kind of rambling on hoping I make sense. I had this feeling that if I felt something for another guy, I'd be almost cheating on this person that I became attached too. So I never allowed my feelings for others to develop into something more. There was always this idea that my destiny was set and that nobody could make me feel the way this guy does. And then I come to find out that it never did stop him from developing feelings for somebody else. The way he saw us wasn't anything like the way I saw us. But when he told me about this other person, I had already suspected such. I could tell. There's usually only one reason any man pulls away from me. They've found intimacy with somebody else. Such is the story of my life.
But instead of throwing a pity party for myself, I've moved on and have been accepting men's advances, taking pleasure in their flirting. I've been getting my life back on track. I'm working out. I'm back in school. I'm wearing some lipgloss and blush to make myself feel prettier. I've been dressing nicer, accepting invitations to go out and do things. I start conversations with people and try to keep in touch with them. I mean, maybe I like being a hermit to a degree, but I don't want to die alone. And the way things were going, I was going to be dying alone.
He told me it wasn't going to work out with him and her. Said it had to do with timing. I just hope he isn't holding back from this relationship for the wrong reasons... I want him to be happy - but it's almost as if he keeps himself from becoming happy on purpose. As if he makes himself a victim because he's afraid to commit and/or settle down. I know him well. I know he values his freedom. Eventually he'll find a woman who will help him feel as if he can maintain that freedom while being able to commit and settle down with her. I just... I don't want him to be hurt.. but there's not much I can do for him except listen.
I want him to know I'm behind him 100%. Whether he ends up in a relationship or not, whether he bounces around from job to job or finds his path after awhile... I'll be here. But he has to know this. I may live away from him and that may put restraints on our relationship.. but I don't want to be left out of any part of his life. He wants to develop emotional feelings for another and move forward with that, he should just tell me. It hurts a lot worse being pushed away instead. David did that to me. Casey did that to me. I don't want him to be like them. It won't end our friendship. It'll just change it. That's all. And I promise that if I suddenly find myself falling in love with some guy here, he'll be the first to know.
I better end with this before I say something I might regret.
