1:17 PM - Thursday, Sept. 16, 2004
how will I know.....
My back is killing me. But then again, I'm in the process of beginning my PMS. It's during this time of the month that I just want to curl up into a ball and have somebody massage the small of my back. But then, I also hate to be touched during this time, too.
My Sims 2 game is in transit right now. I've looked up the tracking number at UPS.com and it's in the truck to be delivered to my front door TODAY!!! Oh my god. I am going to be playing The Sims 2 tonight! How freaking exciting is that?? That is so damn exciting I am anxious to get home today. I keep looking at the clock urging time to click by ten times faster than it is. It's only 1:30, but I wish it were 4:00!!! Oh, damn. I am going to be playing it all night.
Nic tried to call me the other day but I was passed out in bed. Casey tried to call that night too... twice... but I even slept straight through my alarm clock. Talk about being dead tired. Casey called me yesterday while I was at work, yesterday evening while I was in the middle of watching Quintuplets, and last night while I was on the phone with the exceptionally great 'yan man. He didn't call me back, though. I'm assuming Hurricane Ivan has struck and won't relent for awhile where he's living. That's what it's named isn't it? Hurricane Ivan? I don't know. I just checked out the radar at work and holy shit... He's getting plummeted with wind, rain, and tornado warnings BIG time. At least, I think the red boxes are tornadoes. Damn. They are. I just tried calling him. No answer. Shit. I hope he's okay.
In other news, I've accidently stamped today's date on the palm of my hand. Don't ask me how. I just tend to do things like that.
Cory called me last night around midnight. Then he called me back about 3 AM because he couldn't sleep. I did a lot of incoherrent rambling, but I think I made sense to him. I just dread that I said something I'm going to regret having said. I remember it being about our pasts and the differences in our positions at certain ages. In a way the conversation made me really sad. He was discussing where people are normally at when they hit certain ages, and how men (of course!) differ from women when they reach these points. What made me sad was that, even though a part of me understands the age stage because I did experience some of it, for the most part I didn't. And it dredged up a past my mind's been trying very hard to forget and move on from. But I guess you can never escape your past no matter how hard you try to run from it. I've blocked a lot of it out, but some of it came back to me last night. Let's just say that I ended up crying myself back to sleep last night.
He said he didn't know what he wanted, said something about how I'm here and he's there and that puts limits on us... and something about wanting to sleep but never going to sleep with some young chick. Did that just make sense? And I remember thinking, "Did I just get broken up with by a guy I'm not even dating?" I pushed that thought aside though because I was emotional from PMSing, and half dead to the world... so I know that my perception of the conversation wasn't actually how the conversation took place.
Our differences were brought up again. He's living a carefree single life. I'm not. He pointed out how I'm not dating anyone and he is; I don't sleep with anyone and he does; and he goes out a lot and I don't. And I think that's what upset me the most. Why? Because those are all things I wouldn't mind doing, but there's still a part of me that hesitates when it comes to living that lifestyle. You see, the next man I end up with is more than likely going to be the man I marry. I say this only because I'm still scarred from my past and it's going to take a very strong, loving, gentle and kind man to help me get beyond this point that I've come too. I can't just date anybody, sleep with just anybody, or go out into the night to drink and hang out with people I have nothing in common with anymore. It's too emotionally trying because it dredges up the past I don't want to remember.
Plus, I keep thinking talking about my past a tiny bit last night freaked him out and caused him to sorta distance himself from me. If so, I don't blame him. If I ever met a man who did what I've done in the past or experienced even half of what I have... and it affected him the way my past affected me... I'd run in the other direction too.
Maybe he's just scared. I know I'm scared of intimacy to a point. I'm scared of how wonderful it might feel... I'm scared of surrendering myself completely to someone. I'm scared of the "finality" it brings to a certain stage in life... but that's just my perception getting in the way. If I looked at a relationship as more of a beginning than the beginning of the end... maybe I wouldn't fear it so much.
Maybe I need to go on eharmony.com and find my soulmate. I keep hearing all those commercials on the radio about how "so and so" met "so and so" and they've never been happier. Perhaps then my parents will be happy and quit pestering me to settle down, and they won't have to keep being bothered by the fact that I'm always the fifth wheel. Maybe then I won't continue to invest my emotions into somebody whose only going to end up hurting me, thus pushing me even further away from wanting to enter into the dating world. And maybe then I'll get married and the government won't take as much money out of my paycheck every month.. and I'll get money back on my taxes.
I need to log off now. I have a headache from the fumes that are coming in from down the hall. They're replacing the carpet in some office area and the glue is killing us all.
