3:00 PM - Tuesday, Nov. 08, 2005
Express yourself?
I am so tired today, and tomorrow I have a test in my gender class. I'm not looking forward to that. It's over domestic violence, rape culture, and sexual harassment. I think that's why I've been so emotional lately. The class is triggering memories in me I'm not sure I want to remember.
When I'm driving in the car late at night, I look over into the side mirrors and I see street and car lights. It makes me remember the ride over to "asshole's" house that inevitable night. People often wonder why I hate going out late at night, especially by myself. This is why.
Sure, it's been almost six years. I should be over it by now, right? Wrong. This is something people don't ever get over. They just learn to bury it deep inside themselves so it doesn't continue to affect their everyday life. It's not like a switch is going to go off someday where they go balistic after being forced to remember things they have buried. It's more like... "well, I lived through this but I have to store it away for awhile or I won't be able to carry on." And they take a look at it every once in awhile, not because they want to but because they have to. Not to remember it completely or push themselves into that dark spot people are afraid to visit, but because it reminds them why they are who they are. For me, it reminds me why I can't feel inside sometimes and why I tend to push people away.
Last night John asked me some personal questions, questions I haven't even answered to myself. It bothered me, how serious these questions were. It felt as if I had someone pushing me to look at myself in a way I wasn't ready too. Somehow, it felt as if by answering them, I was exposing myself to the world. I didn't want to dig that deep into myself over the phone with him. The only time I would ever allow myself to dig that deep into myself is in writing. Not because it's a safety net of sorts, but because that's who I am. I'm a writer.
I'm a writer.
So, what is it I want out of this life? What do I really want? I told him I didn't know. He said I did. Well, let's see. What do I want? How does one truly answer that question without answering it superficiously? Maybe deep down I do know what I want, but I'm not about to dig deep enough to figure it out. Not yet. Not over the phone. Not with him. I'll do it in my own time, when I am ready.. when I am by myself.
As for now, I need time to rest.
