10:15 PM - Sunday, Jan. 15, 2006
I'm tangled up in you.
I watched a movie tonight that actually made me cry. I haven't cried watching a movie in years, but for some reason halfway through this movie I started to cry. I wasn't bawling.. just crying. There is a difference.
Anyhow, I think my biological clock is ticking or something. I want a child. There. I said it. I want a child. It doesn't have to be right away, but I want to have children someday. I want to have at least three or four of them. I was holding Comet in my arms today and I kept thinking about how nice it would be to have my very own child to hold like that. But I also told myself that I could never have a child without a husband... therefore I need to fall in love first.
And as I was watching this movie.. this ABC Family special.. I kept thinking to myself, "I want what they have." And not because I want a child, but because it would be nice to have someone to curl up into at night. I kept thinking about a man with broad shoulders, and how good it would feel to nestle myself under his arm and lay my cheek against his warm chest. I went on with this little daydream of mine to picture someone who would lie in bed with me late at night and do crossword puzzles and who would read in bed next to me. Someone who would wipe away my tears when I get emotional. Someone who makes me laugh. Someone who makes love to me with just a look. And then I thought, "Why don't I have that?"
I keep thinking there's something wrong with me. I mean, I'm 28 years old. Shouldn't I have that by now? Shouldn't I at least have prospects? And how do you go about finding that one person? And when you find him, how do you know he's the one? How do you hold onto him and never let him go?
How do you find that one person who is absolutely perfect for you? Is it really fate? Do you just run into him out of the blue and find yourself falling in love with him?
I keep thinking about my past. I keep seeing all these missed opportunities to love and love hard. I keep thinking about the men who loved me unconditionally, and how I never loved them back. And now it's too late. Now that I'm ready to fall in love and be loved back completely, it's too late. Wonderful men. Beautiful men. Everything I've ever wanted in a man.. and I let them all go.
You know, I called up my best friend from high school's parents yesterday. Nobody answered the phone. I wanted desperately to get a hold of Sabrina and talk to her. I wanted to tell her I am SO sorry for everything. I wanted to tell her I'm sorry I didn't come to the hospital to see her after she gave birth to Hawk. I wanted to wrap myself up in her arms and cry and just tell her I love her and I miss her. I just want a second chance to tell her I'm sorry and to enter into her life again.
I've been in such a mood lately. I want to find everybody I've ever loved and cared for and bring them back into my life. And I want to treat them right this time. Sometimes I think God has given me a second chance with people, and I don't want to blow it this time.
Ah, holy shit. What the hell is wrong with me? At least I passed this year without celebrating the reunion of my fall. January 9th passed and I didn't even think about the day.
Anyhow, I'll write more later. I'm not in the mood to write anymore.
Random Fact about Jessica: I'm human.
