9:16 AM - Friday, Oct. 08, 2004
The flu, a fever, and this god-awful fat.
Well, I'm at home, sick with the flu. I was worse yesterday, but I'm still feeling like death's cousin today. I wonder if any of this has to do with the fact that I froze my ass off at work the last couple of days.
The cats driving me insane. She wants me to pay ultimate attention to her, but I don't want to. I don't feel like it. I look down at her and think, "you better watch out Ashley. I'm gonna throw chunks all over you if you aren't careful." Of course, I've made it to the toilet in time so far.. but you just never know. My sister should be dropping by around noon to drop off some 7UP. She'll probably bring some chicken noodle soup, too... even though I hate the stuff. It all goes back to when I was in first grade and I had the flu. I ended up with a temperature of 104, and they sent me home. I was trapped on the couch for an entire week. I remember watching Protocal with Goldie Hawn in it while eating a bowl of cold chicken noodle soup. To this day I can't eat chicken noodle soup, and I can't watch certain scenes from Protocal without getting sick to my stomach.
It's why I hate spaghetti, too. I once got so sick that I threw spaghetti up all over the living room floor. Ever since that moment, I've stayed clear of spaghetti and have favored fettuccini. And sometimes I can't stand chocolate ice-cream because when I had an oral operation once, all I could eat was chocolate ice-cream for an entire two weeks. About the only thing I can stomach chocolate ice-cream wise is a milkshake. Even then it can't be real rich. And then there's also the fact that I lived off of baby food and jello for two weeks when I did a dumb ass thing and pierced my tongue one day. I can't eat baby food to this day, and... well... eating jello always gives me sympathy pains. I'll remember the feel of the spoon banging against the metal in my tongue, sometimes poking it on accident so that it would get tugged.. and then I'd make my ouchie worse. I can still feel the pain from those moments as if they happened yesterday. I'm never shoving anything through any part of my body again. And what about the surgery I had on my right shoulder? For days afterwards, I could feel the phantom tugs of the doctor closing my skin after removing a huge chunk of something. When I tap on the scar, I can remember how it felt, too. Same with the scar in my mouth from when I had my wisdom teeth removed. The doctor sliced my cheek open and hit my nerves. For years my gum line would go numb on me and I'd feel as if I had water oozing out of the side of my mouth. I still get the numbness maybe every six months for about an hour or two... but it used to last for weeks. Now, it usually happens when I press my tongue against the battle scar.. or I've been chewing on a piece of gum for too long.
Enough about the grotesque ways I've thrown-up food, and the way my body has been damaged by operations and such. I shouldn't even be talking about this kind of stuff when I'm feeling so icky in the tum-tum.
Anyhow, I'm kind of pissed off right now. It doesn't seem to matter how much I throw-up, how much I let out the other end, or how much exercising I do.. or how little I eat.. or how much I eat... or how much water I drown, or how much exercising I do.. or how many diet pills I shove down my throat... my body won't gain weight (thank god) or lose weight (damn fucking shit!). I don't know if it's the birth control I'm on that's making me maintain my weight (I hear that some B.C. causes a woman to gain some weight, especially in her breasts... and yes, my breasts do look more jiggly).. or what is factoring into this. Is it stress? And I really want to get down to 125 lbs. I'd be happy at 130. But no.. I even exercise 4 times a week (45 to 60 minutes long), and I'm still where I was at two months ago. Am I not eating enough? Does my body think it's starving? I know I have a problem with food and should probably see a dietician, but I'm not an anorexic or bulimic. I'm not losing my hair. My nails still grow. I don't look like a beanpole stick. So what is it that I'm doing wrong? Sure, I only consume bananas, chocolate pudding, and milk at the moment... but that's because I'm feeling icky and can't stomach the idea of food. And here I wanted to be model-thin for when Cory visits me, but I can't help but struggle right now.
I've even started taking Women's One a Day weight pills to help increase my metabolism just in case I have a metabolic problem. The doctor ran tests on me to see if I'm diabetic or if I have thyroid problems.. but I don't. So what in the hell is it? Is it the occasional need to have a grape or strawberry pop? Is it having to sit on my ass all day answering phones that make me want to scream and punch the walls in? Is it because I sometimes make a dash through the Wendy's drive-thru and order a frosty because I'm craving something smooth and cold and dairy like? Maybe I need to give up ice-cream. Maybe I need to see what happens when I give up pop, ice-cream, chocolate (after I finish my pudding), and stuff. I wonder if it's possible for me to give all that up when my family cursed me with a sweet tooth... I do love fruits and veggies. Maybe I need to start eating lunch at Dillons (the grocery store) and go through their salad bar for fruit and salad everyday.
I think I need somebody to help me.. someone who says, "here.. this is what you'll eat and these are the exercises you'll do." And then they make sure I eat what they tell me too and work-out how they want me too. I know I'd succeed if I had somebody pushing me and taking care of me in that way. Maybe I need to go to fat camp or go visit a plastic surgeon for lyposuction? Or I can join that new t.v. show where the biggest winner is the biggest loser. Of course, I wouldn't win because I have less to lose than a lot of those people... but it would at least motivate me to continue and help me learn to eat correctly. I just don't think bananas, pudding, and milk are enough to tide me over for life.
Maybe it's my anti-depressant causing me to maintain my weight? But that could be my paranoia since it was my past anti-depressants that made me bloat up and bulk out in the first place. Of course, I didn't care at the time. They also made me numb to emotion.. and I wasn't in the mood to really be attractive to the opposite or same sex. Looking back on it now, I'm rather ticked off that the psychiatrist I was seeing put me on such pills, but there's nothing I can do about it now. He was trying to prevent me from taking my life or doing something drastic.. so I can't truly blame him. And I have lost 70 lbs in the last two years. The depression, the mono, the pills, the binge drinking and eating, the lack of physical movement over the last five years made me gain (literally) 100 lbs. I'll be the first to admit it since I'm kind of proud I woke up one day and said, "enough is enough. I want my old self back.." And then tackled the weight and lost over half of it. But still.... a petite woman gaining 100 lbs is not good! So I still have 30 lbs left to lose, and I'm starting to lose my patience that I've hit a plateau that won't go away. My family encourages me to not to give up, but still.... and I look at the old pictures of me from 3 or 4 years ago and I think, "holy shit. I was huge." And I never want to be that way again. I don't even look like that person anymore. But anyhow...
I'm going to quit rambling on this topic. Hopefully I'll figure it out and lose that 30 lbs before I turn 28. There's no way I'll lose it before I turn 27. That's only 11 days away.
