1:56 PM - Sunday, Nov. 07, 2004
I forget what 8 was for.
Today Cory is moving into his new home. Once he gets settled into his new place, we're going to make definite plans to meet up. We've decided it's time. It's now or never. I mean, like he said... we've been talking on the phone for two years now going no longer than one week without speaking to each other (and that was only because he went on a road trip with his guy friends from high school.
We spoke to each other on Friday night. He told me many things about the way he feels towards me, but the main thing that stuck out was when he said "I love you, Jess," before we hung up the phone. I know he loves me just like I love him. He's one of my best friends just like I'm one of his. We've often told each other that we love each other and care about one another, but this time it was different. I don't know if it was the sound of his voice or what it was that made it different, but it... it just was. Perhaps it's because he's never told me "I love you," before. Always.. when we spoke about our affections for one another it was like this, "I care about you and love you. You're one of my best friends." This time, it was straight and to the point. And the odd thing is, I completely believe he does. He wasn't in a rush to tell me these words. He waited for a moment in our relationship where the words would actually mean what they are meant to represent. That, and when he said them, his voice was definitely full of emotion.
So often I've found myself in relationships where after only two weeks the man says, "I love you." What am I supposed to respond to that? Two weeks isn't long enough to me for two people to say such serious convictions. It destroys the meaning of the words until they're just tossed about as badly as any other word in the dictionary.
He also told me that I'm his stability. I don't think I've ever been anyone's stability before. What does this mean for us? We spoke last night as well. But first..
I went into the chatroom and struck up a conversation with some people. There was a guy who seemed very nice and easy to relate too. He didn't focus the conversation on sex at all. So, being stupid, I gave him my phone number and allowed him to call me. He did. I don't know if it was because he was tired or what it was... but something about his voice turned me off. It's almost as if warning signs shot up the moment he began speaking. This man said he loved my voice, that my voice turned him on. He also called me dear and made references to our future as if I was already his. This made me very uncomfortable. Somewhere in the conversation, he turned it towards sex. I did nothing to move it in that direction and didn't help keep it there. In fact, I kept trying to change the subject, attempting to give this man a solid chance. After almost two hours of this, I decided to go to sleep and told him so. He asked if he could call me again someday and I said, "I guess so." I mean, I still think that people should be given at least a second chance to not sound so... psychotic. I mean, after all it was really late and people always sound different when they're tired. It's not like I'll be home when he calls anyhow.
After I hung up the phone, I tried calling Cory. He was on the other line. For some reason, I felt like I needed to hear his voice. His voice soothes me. It always has. I left him a message and hung up the phone. That's when my thoughts turned negative, as they sometimes do on a whim. And I thought about how David once told me I was dependent upon him, and I really didn't want to be dependent upon Cory like that. I don't want to lose Cory from my life at all. I can lose men like David, go through the pain, establish a once a month to a once a year relationship with them that consists only of "how's it going? how's life treating you?" but I can't do that with Cory. I can't lose him from my life. He's too important to me. So I called him and told his answering machine, "I think we shouldn't talk for awhile."
I said those words because I needed time to think. I needed to step back and evaluate where in the world this relationship was headed. After I hung up the phone the second time, I climbed into the shower to take a really hot one. I had this desire to cut myself again, so instead I decided that beating my skin down with hot water would be much more sane and give me the desired results I was seeking... an escape from my emotions.
Just as I climbed out of the shower, Cory was calling me back. I answered the phone and he told me about how he was on the phone with Charlotte setting up a time to pick up some of the stuff he was storing there. We talked casually for a few moments and I knew that he hadn't heard my second message or he would be asking me about it. I told him about this man that telephoned me, how his voice sort of freaked me out and upset me. And then I told him about how I was afraid to become too dependent upon him, how I didn't want to start having such high expectations of him, how I was afraid he'd hurt me like all the other men in my past, and how I couldn't understand how anyone would want someone like me who was such an emotional freak. He told me to quit being down on myself, that I have a lot to offer, and that I'm a good woman. He said I was too good for him, in which I said, "No.. you're the one that's too good for me." And somewhere in this conversation, everything began to be okay again.
He spoke about hope and faith... destiny and the fates... and how we both strongly believe there's more to our relationship than what we're experiencing right now... because its not often that two people can talk for two years without the aspect of the physical playing a key part and yet grow only closer to each other with time. I think we both know we're waiting for one another and we always have been. And if we're disappointed in person with one another, I guess we'll cross that hurdle when we get to that point.
I love how he talks to me about the things we'll do together, how he thinks of things we'll do as a couple with his other friends who are in a relationship. I love that he wants to take care of me and be a dominant figure in my life... how I can't help but love being submissive to him in all ways - something I've always struggled with in my relationships with other men. I love that he loves my voice, except he says its sexy like Demi Moore's and I hate Demi Moore's voice. He went off on some tangent about my voice last night saying how the first time we ever spoke to each other three years ago.. he was floored by it. I love his stubborness, his independent streak, his open mindedness, his ability to handle stressful situations, how he can socialize with large groups of people and yet still take time to feel comfortable doing things by himself. I admire him so much. I could go on and on... but I won't.
When we ended our conversation last night, he said "I love you, baby," before we said goodnight and goodbye. It's a new thing for me, hearing this man that I would do anything in the world for saying those three simple words to me. It's a new feeling knowing that he means them, that somebody out there in this world actually does love me for who I am and what I've come to mean to them in their life.
I have an odd feeling somewhere deep inside of me that when we finally get our act together and meet up in person, I'm going to know what real love is. I'm going to actually know what its like to completely love somebody and be loved back in return... emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically.
