4:07 PM - Sunday, Jan. 09, 2005
You drive me crazy.
Yesterday I went up to my parents house to help clean up their yard. My sister and I got there about 11 AM, and we didn't finish up with 90% of the clean-up until around 4 PM. Fortunately for us, Dad had hired two guys to come help. One of them was Mike, the new guy at work, and the other one was his friend Kyle. Mike's a really nice guy, and rather cute. Even if he is 8 years younger than me. He has a very nice smile that makes you want to smile right back. It's genuine, something you don't see on too many faces.
I went to the store today to buy some more liquids to drink. I'm still pretty dehydrated. I didn't wake up until 2 PM, but then I didn't go to sleep until around 3 AM. Anyhow, while I was there, I remembered I needed to buy some jam for my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. That's when in the distance I saw somebody walking my way that I haven't seen in 4 or 5 years. It was my good friend from high school, Brandi. Turns out she's had a kid with a guy who doesn't want the child. I ended up speaking to her for awhile, along with her sister Misty who was waiting out in the car. Fate sure has a funny way of making people run into each other at the oddest moments.
Misty hangs out in Mount Hope, a town I haven't visited since I decided I was sick of the people there and their immature bullshit. She updated me on Greg and Kevin, two guys I hung out with a lot in high school. Turns out both Kevin and Greg are in the slammer. Makes me quite happy I decided to quit hanging out with them when I did. I hate to say it, but they were definitely headed down a different path than me all along. I just didn't realize it until I had the courage to say to myself, "you know, I don't need this."
Running into Brandi and Misty.. and hearing about Kevin and Greg.. It really put some things into perspective for me. I hate to think along these terms, but everyone I went to high school with, everyone I used to hang out with... everyone that used to mean so much to me? They're different than I am. The older I get, the more I realize I never belonged in their groupings, I never fit in with their dilemmas and problems, and I never was meant to grow up to be like them.
It's odd, but social class does play a distinct role in how people relate to each other. I'm ashamed of my new home. When and if I mention it to them, I can see the way they react to it as if I have things handed to me on a golden platter. I can't even talk about my college education because they never went to college. They could have if they wanted to badly enough, but they didn't want too. They have children. They work long hard hours. I don't have a child, and the job I have is simple compared to theirs. I can't talk about why I've never gotten married, why I've chosen to wait on having children and a family, or any of that kind of stuff. They wouldn't understand, thinking that life is made up of children, renting homes, working long hours, and either ending up in marriages that don't work out or with boyfriends who don't want the child. They think life is meant to be made up of these things, which you can tell by looking at them that they see it as the past mistakes that they've made and have had to live with since then.
Sometimes I wonder if their heads are screwed on right, or maybe some of them really aren't as smart as I'd like to assume they are. Maybe they grew up in an environment I'll never understand because I never experienced it. Does that make me a lucky person? I guess that depends on whose defining what's lucky and what's not. I do know that money doesn't buy you happiness, and owning specific material goods doesn't mean that you're better off than somebody else.. but either I'm turning into a shallow person, or I'm beginning to understand that my family helped me make choices in my life that were beneficial to me in the long run. I can't imagine being a mother right now. I can't even imagine being married. I don't even know if I'll ever be able to see myself in that position someday.
Ah, to hell with this. I don't even know why I'm rambling on about all this kind of stuff.
Casey called me Friday night, and I spoke to him for a good hour. When he first called, I was playing a computer game at msngames.com. Now, this man drives me crazy. He says, "I guess I'll let you go then." Let me go? He just freaking called. I can play a game and talk on the phone at the same time. He says, "you're distracted by the game. I guess you want to play the game more than you want to talk to me." WHAT? Men... women... people in general... anyone who speaks like that makes me want to grab their shoulders and knock some sense into them. Their low self-esteems make me want to scream. Mainly because I'm not going to play their mind games and jump in with compliments or ego boosting words. I'm not going to be their crutch. They can find somebody else to throw their dependence on. It won't be me. People like that make me sick.
He went on to say that he was going to be hanging out with his ex, Dee, on Saturday. Am I supposed to be jealous? I said, "Good for you. I think it's wonderful when people can have healthy relationships with their exes, and not let past emotions affect their friendships." It wasn't the answer he was looking for I'm sure. He jumped in with, "I'm only hanging out with her because her best friend killed herself on New Years Eve." I said, "that's too bad." He said, "She had a rough life. She was molested as a child." I said, "Interesting. I was being groomed as a child and possibly molested myself. I didn't commit suicide, though." He said, "oh, but when she got older, she was raped and that really affected her." I said, "Really? She sounds a lot like me. I was too! But I still didn't choose suicide as my only option." And he said, "well, yeah.. but her life was really hard." I said, "Well, children who are molested are more likely the ones who will end up the victims of sexual assaults when they're older. It still doesn't mean that the answer is suicide." He said, "Well, you just don't understand her." I said, "What's there to understand? I know what it's like to be a child whose forced to grow up faster than most because some pervert can't keep his hands off you. I know what it's like to get older and fall victim to men who think they can control you. I know what it's like to feel disgusting and dirty inside and out, how you lose a lot of yourself in the process and think your only option is to die. I've been there before. I know what it's like. But she chose the easy way out, and for that I don't sympathise with her."
I told Cory about the conversation. I said something about her being weak. He said something about how it has nothing to do with somebody being weak, but having lost all hope because it's hope that drives a person to live. He went on to say he agreed with me that it wasn't the only option, and that she chose the easy way out. I said, "It's just been really odd thinking about this random person who experienced things I experienced.. yet look where she is versus where I'm at." I didn't say it, but I wanted to say, "that's why I think it does involve some strength, because I wanted to die too... but something inside of me that wasn't hope made me strong enough to not choose the easy way out." I didn't want to argue with him, seeing his point of view for what it is, and knowing that even though I didn't completely disagree with him on the hope thing... I still believe that it also involves the strength of ones spirit.
I guess I see suicide as a selfish act, a cop out. Sure, my cousin Jeremy committed suicide for reasons unselfish, but the act alone is selfish in nature. Jeremy committed suicide because he would black out and hurt people. He didn't want to grow up hurting people. He was afraid that one day he'd kill somebody else. He chose to take his own life before he took the life of another. While I think that it was a nice gesture on his part, I still think the action was selfish. He was given life, a chance to live and make something of himself. He had obstacles to overcome, things wrong with him that could have been fixed with the right drugs or therapy.. but he chose to take his life away. It's as if saying to your parents, "I know you conceived me whether you wanted me or not, that you kept me because you chose to bring me into this world in hopes of giving me your love and allowing me a chance to become something or somebody... but this gift of life you gave me? It's not worth it, so I'm ending it here and I'm ending it now. This is what I think of your gift!" And bam, they take the life, making it seem as worthless as a piece of shit somebody flushes down a toilet and forgets about. Or they can say something like, "Sure, I have friends and other family members who love me. But you know what? This life is about me. It's not about them. It's not about how I can be there for them or allow them to be there for me. It's never about them. It's all about ME ME ME! I'm the unhappy one. I'm the one the world is against. I'm the one nobody cares a damn about, etc. etc. etc. etc. So this is what I think about them. They aren't important enough to consider, so I'm just going to end my life right here and right now. Ta ta world."
They don't see what they leave behind. They don't see how their death affects their parents, their best friends, their good friends, their acquintances... they don't stick around for the aftermath of the act: the grieving, the unanswered questions, the guilt at not seeing the signs of their unhappiness. How can I feel sorry for someone who is selfish enough to do such a thing to so many other human beings? I feel sorry for the ones left behind, but I can't ever bring myself to be sorry for those who leave us by their own hands.
And until people start to realize that life isn't always about who is the most beautiful, whose the wealthiest or smartest, or whose the most creative, I'm going to have to put up with the majority of the people in my life driving me crazy. If you're depressed, then do something about it. If you feel like you're fat, then lose weight. If you feel like you're too skinny, then gain some weight. If you have acne, see a dermatologist. If you can't stand your teeth, go to a dental school and get cheap dental work done to improve them.
If you hate the way your boyfriend or girlfriend treats you, dump his or her ass. Be single for awhile. Quit depending on other people to make you happy, because as long as you depend on them to make you happy, you're never going to BE happy. If your child is misbehaving and you can't control him, spank his butt. It doesn't mean you have to slap the kid around or abuse him. Just give him a good spanking or take his favorite things away for awhile.
And yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda. Just quit driving me crazy!
