1:04 PM - Thursday, Jan. 13, 2005
A sleeping cat catches no mice.
I really need to log onto my computer at home and take some relaxation time to read other people's diaries. I also need to reply to my e-mails, especially the one to this newfound relative that's been writing me.
I'm just being lazy. I should reflect on what she's asking, and get down to it. It has been busy here at work, and I have to admit I've been avoiding the computer at home because I feel like I'm on it all day at work...
My sister Jenny and I are going to go see White Noise tonight at the Warren. We're going to the late night movie, so I may come home scared out of my wits. That is, if the movie is realistic enough to make me believe that dead people really do talk to us. Then on Sunday, we plan on going to see Ocean's 12 with her husband, Jeff. Which reminds me, I need to give him his birthday card and money.
I bought the book, When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops? by George Carlin. Definitely a different type of book, one I wouldn't have bought if it hadn't had a nifty title. I'm glad I bought it though. It's been humorous. His humor reminds me a lot of Ryan's. There's a section in the book where he goes off on how unfair UFO believers are treated, while everyone doesn't give people a hard time for believing in God. I never would have thought about something like that before. Makes me wonder if I even have a creative thought in my mind.
I had a slight nervous breakdown last night. It was more stress related than anything. The bank wants to up my mortgage payments because my property tax has increased, and I'm just like... "my god. I can't afford this." In reality, I'm fine. Sure, I don't make enough money to afford the house, but I'm lucky enough to have parents who are loaded, and who will make sure I never become homeless. My main problem is, I'm not my parents. I don't want to always depend on them for financial support, and I definitely feel guilty that they continue to help me out every month when there are starving Ethiopians and a ton of people out there a lot worse off than I am who need the money more than I do. Not that my parents aren't generous to complete strangers. If anything, I think they are two of the most generous people in the world. I don't know. It doesn't keep me from feeling guilty though. My mom said last night that it won't always be like this. One day I'll be able to financially support myself. We'll see about that, Mother. We'll see about that.
You know how you grow up believing the world revolves around the person you most admire in the world? And for most of us it's our parents support which makes us feel invincible? Well, I think we grow up believing that Daddy can fix everything, Mommy can cure anything, and that if we ever need anything we can run to them. At least, that's how my life was growing up. I thought the world of my dad. I put him on a pedestal that almost placed him in a seat right next to God. No guy could ever compare to him. He was the image of strength to me. He could protect me from the evil world and everyone in it.
It wasn't until I was older that I began to see my dad as a human being and a man. He was apt to make mistakes, and it shocked me when he did. But even though my impression of him changed, I was still very protective of him. If anyone said anything negative about him, it pissed me off. And it wasn't because he was my dad, or because I thought that he was the center of the universe... it was because I saw in him a man who is good. I still do. He's very outgoing and optimistic, hardworking and intelligent.. and he's never afraid to be there for people who need him. There are many times he's pissed me off himself, making executive decisions that honestly make me want to scream and shout... but for the most part, he's been very generous and caring to the majority of the people. And I will always admire him for that.
The reason I've brought that up is because I've been thinking a lot about how dependent I am upon my parents. My dad is my source of income, my stability, and my strength. My mother is also my stability and strenght, but she's most importantly my confidant and friend... the person I can go to still to this day and cry into the shoulder of. She is the one who isn't afraid to show her emotional love for us children. I think that's very important in any relationship. I think you need to be shown emotion, especially the positive kind. After all, man revolves around emotion, does he not?
I think sometimes, What would I do without my mom and my dad? Where would I be in life? Would I be stronger emotionally? I mean, maybe they coddle me too much. Or maybe I'm just seriously messed up. But then I think that perhaps I think too much. I definitely use the word I too much. But then again, this is MY journal entry based upon MY emotions and MY thoughts.
Well, I'm tired of writing for the day. It's not like I have anything interesting to write about these days anyhow. And yet... I'm so afraid that something dramatic is going to happen to turn my world upside down again. Go figure.
