3:56 PM - Monday, Jul. 19, 2004
Spirit in the Sky
I don't know how to explain this, so I'm just going to ramble on all the things that are going on in my mind right now. If it doesn't make sense, I'm sorry; but I have a million things going on mentally right now.
Anyhow, to get to the point of this entry. I have done a tremendous amount of reflecting upon my life over the last couple of years, and while I've basically figured out the overall scheme of things where my life is concerned, I've decided to take my life one step further. Basically, I've broken life down into four categories: 1. mental, 2. emotional, 3. physical, and 4 spiritual. And while these four categories cannot be completely balanced all the time, they are what I'm going to focus on balancing as much as possible. Call it "the inner hope of a Libran" (After all, the Libran symbol is the balances, and it's what most of us Librans strive for in life).
Now, my first attempt was to stabilize myself mentally and emotionally. Thanks to the drug Prozac, I've been able to accomplish this. I've been on Prozac for about six or seven months now; and while it's taken me that long to adjust completely to the drug, I've had nothing but positive results. I've stressed over the last couple of months how focused life has become for me, and how I feel as if a veil has been lifted from my eyes. I don't want to lose this focus. I don't want to lose this good feeling. I've decided to stay on Prozac for as long as I need it, even if it's for the rest of my life.
This brings me to the third point: physical. To me, feeling good physically has a lot to do with ones overall happiness level. I've given up alcohol for the most part (every now and then I'll have a small glass of red wine). I'm not a smoker, and I'm staying clear of all drugs that aren't prescription based.
I'm also in the process of changing my diet. I have very poor eating habits. All my life I've had a complex with my looks and weight. I'm tired of looking into the mirror and not being satisfied with what I see looking back. I'm not built to be a model or a movie star, and I don't want to be. I've decided to look at food as a source of fuel for my body: the machine. What I put into my body is important, so I need to pay extra attention to what I feed it. I'm not giving up sugar completely, but I'm going to ban most of it from my diet. I'm doing this because when I eat too much sugar, I become highly emotional. When I don't eat enough sugar, I feel dizzy. I am working on finding a balance between the two extremes. Anorexics tie a red string or ribbon around their stomachs or wrists to remind them not to eat. Currently I'm wearing a rubberband around my wrist to remind myself to drink 8 glasses of water, avoid all pop products, and eat foods low in sugar. When I think about eating one of the Hershey Kisses in my Dad's office, I snap my wrist with the rubberband. I'm going to build a red bracelet at home to wear everyday, in order to remind me to not eat certain foods, but to feed my body enough to fuel it properly.
I also need to work on becoming more active. Having a desk job doesn't help. I may look into exercises I can do at my desk while I'm working on specific documents. I also need to pick an hour in which I go to sleep every night (no matter what), so I can wake up in the mornings and get to work on time. And I need to start a work-out schedule and stick with it... no matter what.
This brings me to the 4th point: spiritual. I've been doing a lot of thinking about the faith in which I grew up believing in: Catholicism. When I was younger, I had a very strong spiritual connection with God. Over time, I have lost that connection. I believe this is mostly due to my beliefs changing with experience.
Lately, I've been doing some research into other religions in order to find one that fits my lifestyle better. I seek a spiritual connection, much like the one I felt with God and Jesus growing up as a Catholic. The more I read into other religions, the more I think I am a Buddhist. I hope to one day become a Buddhist Prodigy. While I haven't focused too much on the rituals performed by Buddhists, I do plan on starting practicing some of their teachings. I haven't meditated yet, but I figure it would be an enjoyable experience.
I'm looking into practising Dharma, which is the supreme method for improving the quality of our human life. In other words, I'm focusing upon the inner development of peace and happiness. Here are the questions in which I am going to wake up and ask myself everyday:
What is the most meaningful way to use my life?
What will make me truly happy?
What will benefit others most?, and
When this life is over, what will help me then?
And while I'll ask myself those questions, I'm going to attempt to train my mind to look at things differently so that I can alieviate my suffering. It's worth a try, this Buddhist religion. I'll have to keep track of my progress and see how it goes.
The people who know me best are probably thinking I'm wacked right about now. The thing is, I'm sick of my old self. I have complained for months and years about some of the things I do in my life and with my life. It's about time I stopped complaining and did something about it.
Anyhow, I'll ramble on more about this some other time. I need to get out of this office.
