10:04 PM - Sunday, Jun. 06, 2004
Thank you for the life you have given me...
It's Sunday night. I just got home from eating at Chipotle's with my parents. They've never eaten there before, and I think the concept of a Mexican restaurant set up kind of like Subway amuses them.
I've had a pretty long weekend. But on the bright side, I'm now a proud owner of a 32" TV. The difference between this TV and my old one is immensive. I never thought I'd ever own a TV this massive. I always assumed somewhere in the back of my mind that big TVs were reserved for people like my parents who had their shit together, and knew what they were doing with their lives. I never would have associated it with someone like me. I mean, hell... I'm just beginning to realize that I'm an individual, and that... Wow! I'm an adult. It's really kind of trippy when I think about it too much.
Yesterday I went shopping. Of course, I bought the TV. I also bought some storage bins at Wal-Mart in Newton. Oh, shit. I actually shopped at Wal-Mart! Well, honestly... my mother bought the storage bins so I wasn't really at fault here for supporting this massive industry. Plus, I really needed the bins.
I then proceeded to clean out my entire closets at their house, removing all my childhood stuff. The only trace left that I've existed in that home are the pictures my mother has of us children hanging on the walls in the upstairs hallway. Everything else is here with me now. This is my home, my sanctuary, my haven. I figure if I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, I've picked a pretty good spot to settle down in. By the time I reach 75 years old, my neighbors will finally be my age and my house will have all the anemities an old woman would want.
I went through my stuff yesterday as I was packing up my items into my mother's car. I found my old trophies from when I played sports as a kid, my glass dolls that I used to collect; the koosh ball collection; the pencil, eraser, and sticker collections; my sorority stuff; my old junior high school uniform; my old baseball uniform; even some of my old writings and newspaper clippings. It was all here. My history. My life. Set out on display for me to see. These items I used to treasure, putting them on display in my childhood rooms. Now they're the only things I have left of those confusing moments in my life when my personality was strongly dictated by the social norms and values of the society I was raised in. Later in the week, I will sift through the memories again, boxing them up securely into the storage bins which I will store away into the unfinished part of my basement. I'd do it now, but I'm not ready. I'm emotionally tired from everything going on in my life right now.
I've been working on my homepage a lot more lately. I keep floating back to one of the pages I've constructed. The main reason I'm thinking about the page right now is because of something Nic said to me only an hour or so ago. On the page I talk about how you never see yourself the way you are to someone else. And, I've also learned that you can learn a lot about yourself from the perception others have of you. Nic told me the moment things seem to go wrong with my emotional relationships, I change. I basically start to run away, giving up before anything can really come from the matter. This had me thinking about my relationship with David. Was I the one to run away, detaching myself before something good could come from the relationship? Or was he the one who pulled back out of fear, pushing me away and running in the other direction... afraid to let go completely, but even more afraid to grab on? It made me realize that there was something I don't know about David, and that is... what is it about his past relationships that made him afraid of loving me? What did they do to him to cause him to throw up caution signs and step back? The only answer I could give myself is, "I don't know."
But, no matter what the future may bring for either one of us, good things came from knowing him. I've found within him a good friend, and he enriched my life for the better over the three months that we spent talking to one another. He was a good thing, a blessing in disguise. I've always strongly believed that people come into your life for a reason whether it be to help you grow as an individual or for you to help them grow as one. He made his mark in my life, changing me, and helping me grow. Through him I remembered what it was like to dream, to have dreams, and to work hard to realize those dreams. Through his help and guidance, I began to have hope in a future again. He reminded me what it meant to be alive and to go about living. I thank him for that from the bottom of my heart. I also thank him for not only helping me grow, but for also showing me that I'm worthy enough to stand up for. I am worthy enough to hold out for the good guy who'll treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I'm worthy enough to not have my relationships be all about sex. I'm just... worthy of good things. The way I see it, he rekindled my spirit. For that, I am forever grateful.
David.. You are a wonderful man, and I am truly grateful for everything you have given me and more. You will forever be in my heart for the kindness you have shown me. Thank you, DML.
And with that, I am off. Tomorrow is a new day and hell awaits me.
