3:35 PM - Saturday, Jan. 31, 2004
Drugs, Diets, and Cory
I talked to Cory on the phone. His voice does something to me. Every time I hear it, I want to run my fingers along his skin. I want to feel all the soft and hard spots on him. I cannot wait for the day when I can press my lips to his and actually taste him.
I think about Cory often, about the two of us... how this intelligent good-looking guy with a serious nature does things to me just by the sound of his voice. He's become more than a friend to me, lately. He's the one I turn to when I am in need of being comforted, the one I seek advice from in almost all things... the one who can make love to me with the words he whispers into my ear late at night.
Before I drift off to sleep, I imagine what it would feel like having him pressed up against me in bed; about how wonderful it would feel to have him breathing against my neck, one of his arms draped over my hip... the other one above my head. I want him to spoon me into him. I want him to take care of me.
And I want to take care of him. I've never wanted to take care of a man before like this. It kind of scares me, but in a good way. We click so well on so many levels. I feel as if I am his yin and he is my yang: spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and sexually. I even researched our star signs online. His Sagittarius and my Libra are highly compatible. And when I did the Chinese Astrology.. My Snake to his Ox was highly compatible, too.
Fate has brought the two of us together. Whether we remain only friends for life, become lovers for a lifetime, or find within each other the special someone for whom we wish to spend the rest of our lives with, I know that I have grown to love this man and I never want to let him go.
On to other news... I started the South Beach Diet with my two sisters last Monday. Angie has lost 6 lbs, Jenny has lost 9 lbs (she started the week before us), and I've lost 8 lbs. It's so strange how eating certain foods and avoiding others can make you shed pounds. And not only that but my cravings for sweets are gone. I mean, it's not like I was craving sweets all the time, but I no longer insist on having a piece of chocolate or drinking a can of pop. We've decided to change our lifestyles. Jenny's down to a size 6 in pants already. It'll take a couple of months before Angie and I hit that mark - but we're bound determined to at least make it to a size 8. We'll do it. Or at least, I will. Henry the postman commented to me that he's proud of me for doing so well on this diet. That was encouraging. And Diana B. at work said she can tell I've lost the weight, especially in my face. And then there's Mark who also commented, "I love the color of your hair. It looks good on you." I guess the changes I am making of myself physically are the right ones. I have yet to receive any negative feedback.
Anyhow, I went to see my psychiatrist last week and viewed the results of my M.M.P.I. test. It blew me away. Literally. My depression level is sky high. My anxiety level is sky high. My self-esteem (and this was the real shocker) level was sky high meaning I have severe low self-esteem... and to top that off, the category I was ranked highest in was paranoia. She asked me if I was sure I wasn't hearing voices in my head. I told her I was positive that the only voice inside my head was my own - and that was when I was thinking to myself. So, deduced from that is the fact that I'm not schizo or anything. But, seeing that all those levels were high, I have started the drug Prozac. Am I excited about this? Not really. I don't want my sex drive to decline. However, if this pill actually works, then maybe I won't feel numb, and I won't feel depressed. And then maybe I'll also have the drive and compassion to go make something of myself rather than being trapped working for my dad all day.
We'll see... We'll see...
