8:08 PM - Friday, Feb. 13, 2004
Reality Check!
I've been pretty busy lately - and, I have to be honest here... avoiding the internet like the plague. I needed to do some serious thinking about certain aspects of my life, and I also wanted to spend the time reading a book or two. I miss reading. It's my second passion next to writing. And now that I've taken the time to do that lately, I'm not sure if that's why I've been in such a good mood or if it's the Prozac working. I can't tell you. All I know is that I've been extra bubbly and happy lately. Things seem to be more focused - and I can concentrate again. Of course, I sometimes feel like I'm on speed because I get everything done more quickly than normal and can't seem to sit still for a nano-second.....
Anyhow, on to more important things. I mean, who honestly cares about my mood while I'm on drugs here? Maybe the police if I was actually doing something illegal. Ha ha! Okay. I'm a terrible joker. Absolutely and positively terrible. I admit it. I admit defeat. I'm rambling, aren't I? Yes... I knew I was. Sort of avoiding what I feel I need to get off my chest here. Okay. On with it!
There are five people in this world, family excluded, whom I trust with my entire being. I would not only trust them with my life... I'd die for them. And one of those five completely deflated me today. Or maybe I jumped in a bit too quickly thinking more with my emotions than with my head? I don't know. I am a Libra. I'm in love with love. It happens. So anyway... here I am. I'm 26 years old. I haven't had a real relationship in ages - and I haven't felt attached emotionally to somebody for a year now, so I don't hold it against myself for internally wanting something more intimate from this individual.
Oh, I digress! Anyhow, this is what went down. Here he is going through something very personal and tragic and here I am wanting to comfort him and soothe his problems. I want to take care of him. And well... when I think about him I get this desire building up deep inside of me that just completely turns me on. I can't seem to control it anymore. And today I wanted nothing more than to express that desire and to hear his voice. So, what do I do? I call him up. And while I feel giddy inside and my cheeks are flushed with color... I tell him. I think I must have done a terrible job at it though. Here I am attempting to be affectionate and somewhat seeking affection in return, and what does he do? He proceeds to tell me all about some hot chick who flirted with him at the bar last night. Talk about a reality check here! It was a huge mood killer and completely.. and I mean totally... deflated me. I felt like I was sucker punched in the gut there. It was almost like, "Why, hello there! I want you." "Yes... well, I know this but see that cutie over there whom every man wants? Well she wants me too. And I'd do her in a second if I had a chance." Of course, those weren't his exact words, but they might as well have been. When I told him the talk about her killed my mood, he told me that was stupid. And then he went on to say, "It's not like I'm sleeping with them." Well, who am I to stop him from sleeping with them? More power to him and the women he wishes to screw. I spent the rest of the afternoon in a dejected downer of a mood. I felt like I had a knot in my stomach and wanted to run to the bathroom to puke my guts out.
I almost crossed a line there. Fortunately I caught myself in time before I did. Here is this wonderful, intelligent, charismatic man who deserves a content and happy satisfying life... who is my friend and I could never ask for anything more... and I, being the dolt that I am, have certain alienable attachments to him that keep growing over time... and I think I'm going to lose myself if I don't start being careful now. I can't stand the idea of losing our friendship because I want more than that. I need to step back and let him just be my friend and nothing more before I'm just another number in his long line of women.
Maybe I'm just emotional because it's that time of the month for me. God, I hope so. I'd hate to think I'm being dodgy here. I don't know. I want a man I can make love to with my words without feeling ashamed of them afterwards... and I want him to want me as much as I want him. Is that so wrong? And it wouldn't hurt if that man was a bit like him. Except for the whole "and this girl did this.. and I did that with this girl.. and I wouldn't mind screwing that girl.. etc. etc. etc." I deserve better than that. Or maybe I don't.. but I at least expect better than that.
Okay. Time to start dating. I wonder if there are some other pathetically single people in Wichita who wouldn't mind dating another pathetically single Wichitan....
