8:56 AM - Tuesday, Aug. 10, 2004
Boredom is a state of mind, not a state of being.
I love my MP3 player. I bought an Iriver with 8 hours of playtime per battery life and 256MB of memory. The coolest thing about my new player is that it's red. I knew my MP3 player and I were meant to be the moment I saw what color it is. So far I only have 41 of my favorite "pump me up" songs on it. My favorite is an 80s song called "Dancing with Myself" by Billy Idol. That song makes me wanna run just as fast as I can. It came with an arm band so it's real easy for me to go walk/running with it.
Nic called me last night. We had a really good talk about many things. Our conversations always stem over just about everything. He always fears that he's interrupting me, but he's not. I'm not as busy as he assumes I am. Sure, I tend to multi-task when I talk on the phone, but I can't help that. If I'm not doing two things at once, I think my mind would go crazy. Call it growing up in the 80s with the onslaught of cooler TVs, better computers, and an improved Sesemee Street.
Anyhow, Nic read my journal and noticed I had mentioned David again. He asked me what was up with that, and said, "I thought you were over him." I told him that I was but for some reason I was still bitter. And he said something along the lines of, "but look how much you've changed since being with him. He was a good thing for you." And he was. According to Nic, I'm not so melodramatic anymore. He believes the experience with David has helped unleash the adult in me because I'm growing up. I've changed a lot over the last six or seven months. And I agree with him. I can look at the experience in that way, the preferable way since it's the optimistic way, or I can look at it with bitterness.
It's just hard sometimes. I hate to see the bad in people, and I hate to admit outloud that they're assholes or bitches without a true just cause. I guess I'm bitter because I still feel duped. I want to see the good in him still, but the more time that passes between the ending of our friendship, the more I realize what an asshole he truly is. But like Nic also said, "At least you found out his true colors early on instead of a year into the relationship." Which is true. It's almost like, "if you don't look like a Barbie doll, all perfect and skinny for me, you're not worth having on my arm."
I really am over him. I just have difficulty seeing some people's true nature. If I meet them and they are bastards right away, it's not difficult for me to be like, "Okay. Adios, you punkass." But when they show two different sides to a personality, it blows me away. I should do the logical thing and just forget about this man's existence. It's just that everytime I hear "Colorado", or attempt to do a crossword puzzle, or hear certain songs, or see men with their heads shaved bald, I think of him. And then I feel bitter because I was naive, because I believed in him, because I allowed him in and opened up the door for hurt when I should know better....
I heard a song on the way into work this morning. It basically said, "when things are meant to be, they always find a way." Casey and I are meant to be friends. It took seven months of not speaking to each other, of having little to no contact, but it happened. I'm glad it did. I will always care about him. And I think that's what I hope for with David... the ability to come back a year from now and be friends. It more than likely won't happen. His wishes are obvious: to not be even a small factor in each other's lives. I respect that, but it still makes me bitter.
Cory called me last night, too. He and I are meant to be. We talked about sports for the most part. It's really strange how many interests he shares with my dad. Sometimes I think they'd make better friends than my dad and I do. I never thought much about my dad's history before, but Cory was pretty impressed that my dad played college football, and that my dad's team went to the Orange Bowl. I guess it wasn't as impressive to me because I grew up with this knowledge.
I think I took for granted all the things my family did where sports was concerned, too. I mean, it really is odd for a child to experience many of these things. My dad used to take us down to Mesa, AZ to watch the Cubs spring train every year. One time, he took us to see the White Sox play. I've seen the Yankees, Royals, Angels, A's, Cardinals, Astros, and who knows who else play live. I've been to the Fiesta Bowl to watch K-State play Syracuse. I've gone to numerous KU football and basketball games. I've seen history being made, seen players inducted into hall of fames, seen records broken and rebroken.... When it comes to sports, my dad's blessed us with experiences most people don't get to have. During those particular moments I feel the magic in the air. I get swept up by the excitement in the crowd -- but when the moment is over, it was just another day, just another game. I really should start to appreciate my future experiences more.
Side Note: I live down the street from a New York Yankee. I thought that was pretty cool.
I don't know what I would do if I didn't have Cory, Nic, Casey, and Ryan to talk too at night. Well, except get some actual sleep, but that would bore me after awhile.
I have a bruise on my hand. I wonder where that came from.
I was bad yesterday. I had a doughnut: a chocolate longjohn. It had my name written on it. I had to have it. Was it worth it? Hell yes! Plus, I think limiting sugar from my diet has really funked up my menstrual cycle. I'm on the pill, yet... halfway through my pill cycle, I've gotten my period. I asked my sister Jenny, the pharmacist, if this was normal. She said it happened to her, too, when she limited sugars and carbs from her diet. She said I'll have my regular menstrual cycle as well. Just great. Two periods in one month? I've always dreamed of this possibility. NOT! I did feel better after eating the doughnut, though. The cramping didn't hurt as much.
Jenny, Jeff and I were going to go to the zoo today to see the gorillas since we couldn't go this weekend. Now we can't. It's storming out. I guess we could go tomorrow. I don't know. Maybe fate is telling me to wait on seeing the gorillas.
Well, 15 more minutes and I'm off to the post office to pick up the morning mail. I am so freaking bored here. I can't quit because of the pay I receive here until I find a job that pays better. I have to think about the house. I know that my parents would help me out if I really needed it, but I don't want to be dependent upon them for the rest of my life. What I need is to win the lottery.
Hang on. I'll be back later. I know. I know. I'm writing way too much in here, but I can't help it. It's the boredom. I'm going to have to go get the mail, restart this funked up Dell Computer, and do a Google Search on Interior and Fashion Design schools.
If I don't get back to this, well... then I found something to do with my time.
